Memory Of A Dear Place

17. Feelings

TW: sexual scenes
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March, 1996

Draco finally broke something inside of me when he decided to use the Cruciatus Curse.

I didn't care about anything anymore. I skipped meals, I avoided any social contact, and the only thing I wanted to do was lay in my bed and cry.

I had nightmares about the pain I've felt. About how small I felt when he did it. How helpless.

It took away all the energy I had left to care. It took away my joy to live. To enjoy the little things that make life better, like the smell of bacon during breakfast or a bright sun on a winters day.

The only thing I do is attending my lessons and do my homework. Those are the only things that distract me.

Of course I didn't show up to our rehearsals for the final performance anymore. I couldn't even bare to see him in our core classes together, let alone if it only would be the two of us.

Of course Pansy kept trying to push me to the edge. But I didn't care about it. I shut myself off completely.

But Draco broke himself as well. I could feel it and I could see it.

He's paler than usual. His grey eyes stopped glowing. And he's so fucking angry. Angry at everyone. Angry at himself.

I don't care about it. He fucking deserves to feel this way.

The only thing that has made me slightly feel something is the fact that Oliver doesn't deserve me like this. I neglected him from the start and I am still neglecting him and the fragile contacts I managed to make.

We're back to the start. Unhappy. Insecure. And no friends.

Oliver had so many questions for me that I didn't want to answer. He's been so patient with me these past weeks.

But I can't do it anymore. I can't do this to him. I have no energy nor motivation to maintain any form of social contact.

I don't even know if I was and am truly in love with him. Maybe I am in love with the idea of having a boyfriend.

And today is the day I have been dreading. I have to break up with him.

Draco and friends won again. I lost count of the relationships that have been broken because of them. And maybe it's better to not know.

It's 12 o'clock at midnight and I asked Oliver to meet up at the Astronomy Tower earlier today to tell him.

I quickly put on my jumper over my shirt, which I have been wearing for the past couple of days. I slip on my sneakers and leave my room.

As I make my way through the common room, I find it is still filled with students because it's Friday. I get a few looks here and there, but no one says anything.

Draco numbing his sorrows snorting a line of what I think is cocaïne and there's a glass of Fire Whiskey in his hand he downs right after. He has been either drinking or doing drugs every fucking night. Or both at the same time.

But what gives him the fucking right to feel so bad about it? He doesn't even care about me. He was forced to torture a person he hates and yet he's acting like he had to torture a person he loves. I fucking despise him for it.

He's weak. He can't cope with emotions like a normal fucking person.

I make my way through the dark and cold dungeons and walk all the way over to the tower, finding Oliver already there looking at the sky.