Memory Of A Dear Place

20. Solitary confinement

April, 1996

~\~ Draco Malfoy ~\~

It's been weeks since Bella's disappearance and I can't help but to blame myself for it.

I never should've let her walk out of my room that night. I made her angry. She left. And she never came back.

I have trouble admitting with, but this year Bella has been the only thing close to light in my life.

She makes me feel. It doesn't even matter if she makes me feel angry or happy. Every time I see her face, I feel.

But I can't afford it.

Ever since Voldemort has began to slowly expand his army again, I've been doomed.

I haven't been given a task or Dark Mark yet, but father told me Voldemort will be needing me soon. He's set me up with different Death Eaters to learn Dark Arts in preparation ever since he heard Voldemort came back.

One part of me has been waiting for this my whole life. Waiting to finally become a Death Eater. Waiting to finally make my father proud.

Another part of me is scared. Bella and Sam made me realize that what I thought was right, isn't right or fair at all.

It's been confusing. I've been told my whole life mudbloods are terrible and halfbloods are the product of blood traitors.

Bella is different.

She was supposed to be a distraction. She was supposed to be a simple thing I could scratch from my bucket list. She was supposed to be a one time thing. A good or decent fuck. It was supposed to be another thing I could ruin her with.

Making her desperate for the person she hates the most. It all was supposed be a joke. But the joke got out of hand. Big time.

The way she became so much more to me has left me baffled. It didn't become a thing I could ruin her with. It became a thing I ruined myself with and I just simply dragged her with me.

I hated her for it. I hated how she confused me. How she kept crawling back to me as though everything I did to her were just minor inconveniences.

The Cruciatus Curse wasn't a minor inconvenience. I thought it wouldn't work. I thought I wouldn't mean it enough to be able to do it. I thought my wand wouldn't let me.

But it worked. I meant it. And my wand let me.

I didn't apologize. It would't have meant anything. I wasn't going to say sorry in an attempt to make muself feel better about it. Apologies are just words.

She's been on my mind an awful lot these past few weeks, our last conversation replaying in my head night after night.

I couldn't focus on class. I couldn't focus on my friends. I couldn't focus on having fun. I couldn't focus on anything else but her.

If she ran away. If she's alive. If she's safe.

''Malfoy? Malfoy are you there?'' I hear a voice appear as I snap out of my thoughts.