crave

fifty

i sigh as the sun peaks through my window, telling me it's time to get up. my head is pounding but it doesn't compare to the pain i'm in mentally right now. i hate myself for what i've done. i hate myself for hurting him, for making him hate me. everything he said as made me realize that it's not everyone else's fault my life has been fucked up, it's mine. if i was to have a good attitude my father wouldn't do what he does. if i were to listen to my mother she wouldn't do what she does. if i hadn't given myself so easily to blaise we wouldn't be fighting. if i would have just dealt with brandon instead of talkign to astoria we wouldn't be fighting. if i would have just stayed in my room, i wouldn't have hurt draco.

i sit up and stare out my window, the morning sun peaks through but the clouds around it threated to dull it's brightness. i stand up and i sigh as i throw my clothes on, not botherin got shower. i feel guilty for 'wallowing in my sorrow', as some would say, but i didn't mean to kiss him. i don't know what happened. i had only had a couple drinks but it was like i had no control over anything. my body wasn't mine. i feel like i'm trying to make excuses for myself but i'm not.

after brushing out my hair i wlak out of my room. pansy watches me as i walk down the stairs, obviously judging me as her stare follows my moves. "morning" i say and she scoffs "you're a bitch" she says and i sigh. i see draco walk down the steps, i look at him and his jaw clenches. "what the fuck are you doing? get out of my sight" he spits and i sigh as i walk out of the common room, tears threatening to fall out of my eyes. i understand why he's angry, i understand i messed up, but i just wish he would let me explain. i always listen to him. i always let him explain, no matter what it was. and now he won't even give me the time of day.

i walk donw the corridor, my head hangs low as i try to ignore anybody that heard about what happened. word seems to spread quickly around the school. "um, liz" i hear a familiar voice say and i look up to see cam. usually i would want to punch his face in but now that i know how much of a bitch astoria is, i don't really care. "hey" i sigh as i stop walking "i was just going to ask if you wanted to come sit with me and a couple of my other friends? i know what it feels like to have everyone judging you" he laughs and i shake my head. "no thanks, i'm fine" i say and he shakes his head "come on, we won't bite. and no one deserves to be alone, i can see you're pretty torn up" he says. is it that obvious?

"fine" i say and he smiles as he walks me to a table with a couple of his friends. a girl with red hair and the most beautiful green eyes looks over at me and i give her a smile. we sit down and cam introduces me "guys, this is elizabeth, but call her liz. and liz, this is esmeray, kai, and caleb" he says. "hi" i say and the three of them nod. esmeray is the girl and closer up i can see the small braid in her hair. her skin is pale but it suits her perfectly, she looks like she could be related to the weasley's just with more money. i can tell kai is tall from the way he towers over esmeray while just sitting. his hair is curly and messy and it hands a little over his eyes. caleb is shy, his glasses making him have that short nerd look. his hair is short too, it must be his thing.

we all joke and we get to know eachother, for a moment my mind is taken off draco. i learn that esmeray loves the stars and the moon just like i do. me and caleb argue over whether paperback or hardcover books are better. and kai just talks about quidditch the entire time. cam adds on to every conversation and he constantly shoots out jokes. its fun to make friends with people that aren't slytherins, people that don't know everything about me. i believe what cam said that one time was just astoria's words coming out of his mouth.

but it all fades away as i see draco walk into the great hall. it's like the talking around me disappears and everything is quiet. his face is cold, emotionless, as he looks at me. he looks at me like he did the first day we met, with hatred. no love exists in his eyes and i wonder if it was easy for him to push it away once he saw me with brandon. or is it hard for him too? i wish he would let me talk to him. i wish he would listen. but with pansy in his corner, constantly talking down on me, he'll never forgive me.

"are you alright" esmeray asks and i sigh as i turn my head from him "fine" i nod and cam looks at me. "so guys, i was thinking after class we can go sledding. i know a spot that still has a lot of snow there and i think it would be hilarious to see all of us bust our asses on the sled" he changes the subject "hell yes, i can bring a snowboard and show some of my tricks" kai gloats and esmeray laughs "please, my grandma is better than you. and she's just a ghost flying around my house" she laughs, causing everyone but kai to laugh. "i'd like to see you try it" he snaps and she shrugs "deal" she says and i smile. "liz, will you join us" caleb asks and i sigh, i need to get out and go somewhere. keep my mind off of things. "of course" i agree "thank merlin i'm not going to be the only girl in the group" esmeray jokes and we all laugh as we finish our breakfast.