crave

fifty-one

"okay, liz, who's better" esmeray asks as she makes it to the top of the hill after absolutely crushing kai in their 'competition'. i laugh as i shake my head "sorry kai but esmeray won" i say and he rolls his eyes. "asshole" he says, throwing the snow at me and i laugh. we all sit down in the snow, taking a break from all of the sledding. "so, liz, what happened between you and draco" caleb asks and cam looks at him "dude" he says and i sigh. my mind drifts back to draco, the look on his face, his words, everything. i think about when he told me he loved me and how happy he was to tell me and then i just ruined that.

"i-um-i cheated on him" i admit and he looks at me "it was an accident. i was drunk. i didn't even know what was going on" i defend myself and he nods "it's fine. you don't have to explain yourself. i was just wondering" he shrugs and i nod as i look down at the snow, memories of us together flowing through my mind.

"the snow's beautiful isn't it, elizabeth" draco laughs as we look at the falling flakes. he pulls me closer to him, wrapping the blanket tighter around us. "it is" i smile as i lay my head on his shoulder "do you like the snow more than the rain" he asks and i shrug "i think both are beautiful. both are way better than the sun" i answer and he nods. he looks down at me and smiles "you're beautiful, elizabeth" he says kissing my forehead. i can feel heat rush to my cheeks as i smile "come on, you're shivering" he says as he starts to pull me back inside the house

"i'm going to head back to school, i'll talk to you all later" i say as i stand up and esmeray sighs "you fucked it up, caleb" she says and i laugh "no, i should get back anyways. i'm going to visit my parents today" i nod, "okay, see you later" cam says and i smile as i walk away. the smile fades as i walk back to school alone. it's not too far away but it's far enough to give me time ot think about everything that's happened.

*dracos pov*
i watch as she laughs with cam and his friends. have you already moved on, elizabeth? after all of your apologizing and begging for me to listen you moved on so quickly. i should have known it wouldn't work out for us. i should have known from the first time you ignored me telling you i loved you. i guess i just didn't want to admit it to myself. i wanted things to work out. out of everything else in my life, that was the one thing i would risk everything else for. i would risk everything for your love, elizabeth.

"stop staring at her" pansy laughs and i roll my eyes as i pick at my food "shut it, pansy." "seriously, draco, she cheated on you. forget about her" she tries to convince me but i don't think that's possible. even when i hated elizabeth i could never get her off of my mind. i turn my stare to brandon as he walks in the room, elizabeth doesn't even glance at him but he surely keeps his eyes on her. his eyes brun through her body, i can tell what he's thinking he's thinking of her naked. of her body. of touching her. disgusting.

he looks at me and i see a sly smirk on his face like he's proud of what he's done. i bet he is. that's what he's been out to do since he met her.

*elizabeths pov*
i sigh as i walk into my house "mother, it's liz" i call out as i walk through the house. i decided i should come visit since i still felt bad for christmas. it's funny, i feel bad after everything they have done to be. i still give them a chance. draco should take notes.

"elizabeth, what are you doing here" my mother asks as i walk into the kitchen, obviously less excited than i wanted her to be. "did you get my letter? i wanted to come visit since i missed christmas" i shrug and my father looks at me. "oh. well, you shouldn't have. we had a wonderful christmas without you. i hope you enjoyed your stay with the malfoy's" she glares at me and i sigh. my father stands up and walks over to me "new necklace, elizabeth" he asks as he steps closer to me. his hand slowly grabs the necklace that i forgot to take off. "um yes, it was a gift" i say nervously "from draco" he asks and i shake my head. he jerks it off of me and throws it to the ground "how dare you lie to me" he seethes and i look at him. "i'm not lying. it's not from draco" i defend myself and he slaps me "you should leave, elizabeth, you're not wanted here" he says and i nod as a tear rolls down my cheek.

i look at my mother, expecting her to say something, to tell me to stop and that she's so sorry. but she doesn't. she just sits at the table with a harsh look on her face, telling me that she agrees with him. i sigh as i nod and make my way back out of the door.

the evening turns to night and the air gets colder. i make my way up the astronomy tower, the shine of the moon helping me to see. i sigh as i lean on the railing, the ring draoc got me still stays on my finger. perhaps i should take it off, or would that make him think i don't care? would it make things worse if i kept it on? i decide to keep it on for now.

i look out over the ground, the moon shines down on me and the stars stay lit in the sky. though, when i look up at them they aren't as beautiful as they used to be. they seem to shine duller now that i'm not looking at them with draco. everything seems like that now. and i feel stupid for it being that way. that i even depended on him to put the color in my life.

everything runs through my mind, my parents, my friends, draco, just everything. the thought that i've pushed away before comes back, jump. i don't know why i continue to come up here because everytime i do i get this thought. i get the thought of how freeing it would be to just jump off. what would the wind feel like? would it hurt? would i regret it? i look over the balcony and sigh. if i jump, i have my wand, i could stop myself if i were to regret it. would i be able to fast enough?

before anymore things can try and hold me back i climb over the railing. my feet hang on the edge and my hands grip the sides. i check to make sure my wand is in my jacket before looking down. and then i do it.

the wind flies through my hair, i know i'm falling fast but it feels like it's all in slow motion. my heart is beating rapidly, my arms push against the wind, my eyes water. i think of my parents 'you're not welcome here' 'disappointment' 'shame', i think of astoria 'i fucked your boyfriend' 'evil' 'killer', i think of blaise 'slut' 'easy', i think of draco 'no one can love you, elizabeth' 'get the fuck out' 'slut' 'pathetic' 'i don't love you, elizabeth'. and after thinking about everything, suddenly i don't want to stop myself. suddenly my hand isn't holding my wand, rather it's spread out beside me. my heart rate quickens, my eyes water, my hair flies in my face. i'm falling, the ground getting closer, but for some reason i feel more free than i ever have.

but just as i'm about to hit the ground the memories of the good times run through my mind too. i guess like my life flashing before me. draco telling me he loves me. us reading together. us at christmas. dancing. laughing. loving each other. and i think, what if he gives me a second chance? what if my mother realizes what she's doing? what is asotria apologizes?

"arresto momentum" i say as i pull my wand out. i stop, my body inches from the ground. my breathing is heavy as i let myself hit the ground. i roll over and look up at the sky. tears roll down my cheeks, disappointed that for a moment i wasn't going to stop myself. for a moment i thought that the only way to get rid of the pain was to do something far worse. but it's my fault. it's not pain someone else created. it's my pain. i created it. i deserve it. so i can't back out now. i have to go through it. i have to get what i deserve.