crave

ninety

i didn't get much sleep last night, still in fear of my father. what if he gets out? what if my mother decides to hurt me? what if cam and everybody treat me differently now? how loud will the whispers be today? how harsh will the stares be? so many questions ran through my mind, while draco slept with his arm around me. every once in a while he would wake up, make sure i was alright, pull me closer to him, and fall back asleep. such a small gesture, but it made me feel so much safer.

of course i know my father can't get out of azkaban, but it's just a constant fear now. because i know how angry he is, i could see it boiling inside of him with everything i confessed. i don't regret testifying, not at all, he deserves whatever is thrown at him. i do feel bad though, not for him, but for my mother. she's all alone now, in that cold, empty, house. a house that was never a home, but it was where she had her family. now she has no one there. i can't even stand to think about her though, i'm sure that whenever she was questions she stood up for him, told them he usually wasn't bad. i'll never understand it.

"elizabeth, are you still awake" draco's tired voice interupts the voice in my head. "yes, why" i ask as i roll over to look at him, "because it's time for me to get up and you haven't slept at all. you need to get some rest" he says and i sigh. "i'll be alright, draco. stop worrying about me "i laugh and he looks at me "you know that's impossible for me to do, right?" he sighs as he looks at me, analyzing my face as if he's trying to read my mind.

"are you going to class today" he asks and i shrug, i don't want to. i know everybody has heard about the trail, but i really can't miss anymore. "yes" i say and he nods as he starts to get up, "draco, do you think he could get out" i ask. i feel stupid, asking such a question, like a child. "no, elizabeth, i don't think so. you don't have to worry about him anymore" he assure me, leaning down to kiss my forehead.

"i'm going to shower, if you'd like to join me" he does a stupid little shimmey as he stands up, i laugh and shake my head. "no thank you" i say and he rolls his eyes "gosh, i'm dying over here" he exaggerates. "just playing, take your time, love" he smiles and something about his words makes my heart feel all fuzzy inside.

i smile as i watch him walk into the bathroom. finally, i forece myself out of the bed. every part of me feels heavy, like i'm dragging myself along the floor as i walk. i look at myself in the mirror, the bags under my eyes give me a deathly look, the skin on my lips is patched from biting them nervously, my nails are partially bitten off, i look like absolute shit. i can see i've lost weight, i either don't have time to eat, or i'm so nervous i just throw it all up again. i hate that my father has done this to me, so easily done this.

i sigh as i pull the clothes i left in his room out and set them on the bed. i pull the clothes i slept in off and put my skirt on. it almost falls off of me, i can't help but be ashamed at myself for letting myself get like this. i have to roll the waist up some to make it tighter, making the skirt shorter than usual. i button myshirt up and tuck my wand on my side.

draco walks out of the bathroom and walks up behind me, looking in the mirror at me, "don't you think the skirt was already short enough" he says, his mouth inches from my ear. "i had to do it like this, it hardly fits" i shrug and he sighs "you're sitting with me at breakfast" he backs away, grabbing his wand and tucking it into his pants. "shouldn't i sit with esmeray and everyone? i haven't spoken to them since the trial" i say and he looks at me, "elizabeth, you're sitting with me" his voice is stern. "fine" i say, grabbing my stuff.

we both walk into breakfast, i've already had people staring and whispering in the corridor. i look at esmeray and cam, they both give me a small smile as i walk to sit with draco. i keep my head down, avoiding eye contact with anyone.

i sit beside draco and he looks at me "head up, elizabeth, ignore them" he says, placing his hand on my thigh. i nod as i look up at pansy in front of us. "hey" she says, "morning" i nod. "eat something, elizabeth" draco orders, looking down at me, "i don't feel good, draco" i say. it's true. and trust me, i'm starving, but i don't feel like throwing up anymore breakfast, and i have a feeling with everyone staring at me that throwing up is near in my future.

"eat. you look like death" he says and i can't help but think if this has changed his view on me also. would he see me as weak because of how this has effected me? "don't say that, draco" pansy tries to whisper but completely fails. "what? i don't know what to do anymore, she's practically killing herself and i can't help her" draco looks at pansy "i'm fine, draco. i told you" i say and he sighs. "you're not fine, elizabeth. you've completely ruined yourself. you've bitten your nails off, your lips are ripped, and you look as if you haven't slept in months. your clothes don't fit, you don't eat, you don't drink, you hardly even smile anymore. and fuck i miss your smile" he looks as though he's snapping, a breakdown of everything he's been holding in, all because of me.

"draco, please, don't do this here. we can go talk somewhere else" i say, noticing the people watching. "no. i don't fucking care if they watch, they need to know to stop fucking staring at you like your crazy, they need to stay out of your business. and you, you need to eat, now. because your hurting yourself, and i can't watch you do that. i can't lose you like that" he says, finishing with a frusturated breath. "alright, i'm eating" i nod as i take a piece of food off of my plate and put it in my mouth. "thank you" he nods, turning back to his plate, the people watching start to go back to whatever they were doing, but i just look at him.

"thank you, draco" i say, setting my hand on top of his. "i'll be okay, i promise" i nod and he sighs. "keep eating" he says and i nod, turning back to my food. i have to take care of myself, if not for me than for draco.