crave

one hundred five

"so draco's living here too? after what he did" cam says and i look at him, "he didn't want to do it" i say and he sighs. "whatever" he shakes his head as he walks back up the stairs, i sigh as i look at kai "that's alright, liz, he's just having a hard time. but i don't mind him staying, it's your home" he shrugs. "it's our home" i correct him and he smiles, "i'm going to read some more" he says and i nod. "kai, what are you finding in the notebooks, you've been reading them a lot" i ask and he sighs "some really interesting things, things that could help" he says and i nod as he walks away.

i sigh as i sit down in the kitchen, my head in my hands. every time i close my eyes all i can see is emseray and caleb and the image i've sketched up in my head. of them dying.

a knock on the door startles me and i stand up. "coming" i yell as i walk to the door, "it's just me" draco's voice says from the other side. i let out a breath as the door opens and he walks in with a bag. "so how much is rent" he laughs and i smile. "i'll take your bag up to a guest room" i say as i grab it, he shakes his head. "i've got it, is it the one beside your room" he asks and i nod, he walks up stairs.

once he comes back down he sits with me in the kitchen, i spend most my time here. my room reminds me of my father. the library is taken up by kai. the living area reminds me of my mother. so i stay in the kitchen.

"elizabeth, i was thinking a little bit and i want you to tell me everything that happened this summer. like every way i hurt you" he says and i look at him "why" i laugh. "because you've gone through so much that i don't even know of. and i want to know everything. i deserve to hear how you hurt" he says and i sigh. "please" his eyes beg me to tell him and i look down at the table.

"where do you want me to start" i laugh and he grabs my hand "from the beginning. and don't stop until you're at the end" he says and i nod.

"at first, i was worried, when you didn't answer me. i thought that maybe you had gotte hurt on the way home. but then you sent that letter that said you were okay and i was pissed. because then i knew you were just ignoring me. but i couldn't figure out why. there were so many scenarios in my head. you had fallen for someone else. i had done something. you saw it as the perfect time to let me know that you never actually loved me. i spent the rest of the day convincing myself that you had loved me, nobody could fake that. then i told you that you had a month, because i figured whatever was going on, you would get over it. and when you didn't answer i realized that if i was hurt, you might not come. so then i got scared. i locked myself in my room for days, hardly ate, hardly slept, nothing. every noise made my hurt stop. after a while, i let myself out of my room, but i never left the house. i wondered if you were okay. i wondered if you were off with some other girl, not even caring what you had done. and there was this one day, when it got really bad. it was a couple days before your month was up. i had hear glass shatter downstairs, it scared the shit out of me, i ran up the stairs and locked myself in my room. i shut all the curtains and locked the window. and that's when i started to miss the safe feeling i had when i was with you. and i started to think about us and everything we had lost. i thought about how i would lose pansy along with you. how i had lost astoria, my father, my mother. and my mind was going to horrible places. i thought i had no purpose." i say, i hate bringing it all up again.

i've pushed this pain down for months, wanting to forget about it, but now he wants to know. so it's stirring it all back up.

"but i got a letter from esmeray, i hadn't written to her at all, but for some reason i got her letter that day. and i read it, it was saying how excited she was to see me after the summer adn how much she had planned. and i calmed myself down i um found out that the glass shattering was from a bird by the way. and then i wrote the letter saying it had been a month and i figured, that i had to let you go, if that's what you wanted. and so i sent it. about a day after i sent it, i started having panic attacks, worrying about just random things and i cut my hair. but then i started getting better. and i realized that it wasn't my fault, because i had done nothing wrong" i say and he sighs as he looks at me, speechless.

"oh my god. i-i'm so sorry, elizabeth. i didn't mean for any of that to happen. i don't know what i thought was going ot happen but it wasn't that. i didn't mean for you to hurt that bad. i didn't want you to hurt at all. i don't really know what to say other than i'm sorry. and that i'm here now. and i'm not going anywhere" he says and i shrug "i'm okay now" i say and he shakes his head. "no you're not but that's okay. i won't make you tell me anymore, but please promise me that if your mind starts to go to that place again, you'll tell me" his face is serious but his eyes are full of worry.

i nod and he shakes his head "say it, elizabeth" he orders and i sigh "i promise." he nods as sighs, "it's late. you should go get some rest" he says but i shake my head. "i still have a lot to do. i want to get the pictures of me and my family down and put some other pictures up. i need to make sure there's food for the week and i need to clean up from today. and then i have to figure out when i want to clean out my father's office" i sigh and he looks at me. "go get some rest, elizabeth. i'll take care of some things" he assures me and i look at him. "thank you" i smile and he nods. "goodnight" he leans forward and kisses my forehead before standing up. "goodnight" i say as i stand up and walk up the stairs.