crave

one hundred four

i've always wondered how it would feel to die. does it hurt? does your life flash before your eyes or do you just simply die. i wonder if esmeray and caleb died immediately, or if they suffered. the thought has driven me crazy over the past few days. wondering if they were wishing someone would save them. and as i stare down at the small tombstones we made, even though we can't bury them, i wonder even more if i could have stopped it. if i hadn't of ran, would i have been there?

draco's hand sits at the small of my back, my head on his shoulder, my tears most likely wetting his shirt.

"i loved you, esmeray. god, i've loved you forever" kai cries as he looks down at the spot we claimed as esmeray's. "and caleb, you were great, man. hilarious. shy. you were amazing. take care of my girl" he says and i hug draco's arm tighter.

"thank you, kai, that was very nice. have we all said everything we want to say" cam says, obviously wanting to go up to his room and lay down. "yes, you can go ahead. i think i want to stay out for a bit" i say and he nods, walking inside, kai follows him.

"that was a beautiful memorial, elizabeth. you did good" draco says and i sigh "we need to talk, draco, can you stay longer" i ask, looking at him. he sighs, he knows we need to talk. we've kind of blown off actually talking about us. and everytime we get a free moment, he has to go, and how are we supposed to fix us if we can't talk about us.

"yes, i told my mother i had some business to do today so i can stay overnight, if you'll let me. i know today was hard for you" he says and i nod "that sounds great. but can we sit out here and talk, i don't want them worrying about us" i say and he nods.

we both sit down at the table that's outside. he places his hand on top of mine. "you can start" he shrugs and i sigh. "you could have told me what was going on, draco. you know that would have been easier than dropping me" i say and he shakes his head "they said they'd kill you. you couldn't know. and i can't lie to you, so i thought that was the only way, i'm sorry" he says and i laugh. "i don't want to be that person, but is sorry really enough? i went through my hardest times this summer and that's saying a lot. everything got bad again, but this time i didn't have you to help me get better. i know it's pathetic that i needed you to make me happy, but i did. i was scared of my father getting out and you never knowing. i was worried about my mother going bat shit crazy. i was worried about you because i had absolutely no clue what had happened. i couldn't think of a reason you would just leave me. i thought we were happy" i say.

"we were, i was so happy, the happiest i had ever been. it wasn't your fault. i hated every second of it. and i had track on your father, i got in touch with an old friend that told me every move your father made. i was still there for you, elizabeth. and i'm sorry, i'm so fucking sorry. i know how much you went through. and all i wanted to do was help you, there were so many times i started to come see you or write to you but i couldn't. they would have killed you. but i'm here now. i'm not going anywhere, not again" he says and i sigh. "i just don't know how we're supposed to get better in all of this"

that's the truth. i don't know how i'm supposed to fix my relationship with draco, take care of my home, take care of cam and kai, keep my education up, and prepare for a fucking war.

"i understand that. but i've been here everyday, and i'll keep coming" he says and i laugh "you're here for a maximum of three minutes. hell we spent more time together when you were training" i say and he sighs. "i'll take care of it. just please, elizabeth. give us a chance" he says and i look at him "how are you going to 'take care of it'" i ask and he shrugs.

"i'll tell my mother i have to look out for you, i'll tell her i'm making sure you don't interfere with anything. she'll let me stay here" he says and i look at him "you think she would actually let you stay here? after everything" i laugh and he nods. "if she doesn't then i'll just have to sneak away i guess. because i'm not giving up on us, elizabeth. you're the only thing i want right now" he says and i sigh. "i'll help you take care of the house, i can go out and get stuff for you, i can help. and i'll be here for you, so you don't have to take all this onto yourself. so you have someone to talk to" he says and it sounds really convincing. but should i give in?

we just spent a year not talking to eachother, it broke me, in every way possible. but i put myself back together, by myself, so should i let him in again? or will he just drop me again the next time things get hard? and would it be moving too fast to let him stay here? but i mean, that is what i want, him here all of the time insted of just a few minutes.

"fine. i'll let you sleep in the guest room for now, because we still have things to work on, but you can stay here" i say and he smiles "thank you, elizabeth" he says and i nod. "i'll be back here tonight, i promise" he stands up and i nod as he walks inside.

i sigh as i lean my head in my hands, wondering if i made the right choice to give in so fast. after everything, the months of hurting and being scared. but i love him. i never stopped loving him. and i think with everything going on right now, i'm going to need him. or i might go crazy.