crave

ninety-five

two weeks. two weeks of nothing. writing him at least twice a day, every day, telling him--no, begging him--to write me back. but still nothing. i've gotten no sleep, thinking about draco, worrying about my safety. i've picked my nails completely off. hardly showered, to scared to leave my room.

i jsut don't know what i did. to deserve this. to lose him. no, i'm not losing him. i can't. not now. not like this. this isn't how it's supposed to happen. he's not supposed to be able to just cut me off like that.

i'm going crazy, in this house, alone, scared. so much time, time to think, think about horrible things. he's left me for someone else, cheating the entire time. he never loved me. it was all a game. so much time and so many thoughts. just driving me crazy.

i grab a piece of paper for the hundredth time and sigh.

"draco,
     please. i know you're tired of hearing from me but i can't wrap my head around why you would do this. i thought you were happy? you could have told me if you weren't. you jsut seemed so happy with me, i don't know what i did. it's getting bad again, draco. i haven't slept. haven't showered. haven't left my room. i'm too scared.
     please just tell me this wasn't all a game to you. that you actually loved me. please. just answer me.
     i know i'm not easy to take care of and i know i come with a fuck ton of baggage, but i thought you were okay with that. i'll change. i'll do anything. just please, answer me. if there is someone else, tell me, you know you can tell me. if i did something, tell me. if this is it, tell me. but whatever i did, i'm so fucking sorry. just answer me. i love you. god, i love you more than you'll ever know.
     love,
          elizabeth"

i feel completely empty as i send the letter off. i'm alone now, without him. father is gone. mother is gone. astoria's gone. draco's gone. i'm alone. alone and scared. and hurt. so fucking hurt.

*draco's pov*
i look at the letter from elizabeth, the tear stains on the paper, the messy writing. she said she'd change, like i don't love absolutely everything about her. she thinks i wasn't happy with her, i was the happiest i'd ever been. she's scared. she's alone. but i can't give in. it has to end.

i stack the letter on the pile of other letters and look around. my rooms a mess. destroyed. some nights i can't sleep, thinking about how elizabeth is. so i destory my room. destroy the memories with her. destroy everything.

i walk out and down the stairs. my mother looks at me, letting out a sigh, "did she write you again" she asks and i look at her. "you're crying, draco" she says and i sigh as i wipe my eyes.

at first, i despised my mother for letting me do this. get teh mark. destroy my life. but she's the only person i have now. she knows my plan with elizabeth. she hates it, says she doesn't deserve it. she's right.

"yeah" i shrug as i walk into the kitchen, grabbing a drink, and turning to look at my mother. "talk to her, draco. tell her something" she pleads and i shake my head. "i can't. i can't lie to her. i can't tell her the truth. so i can't speak to her. soon, she'll realize she deserves better and she'll end it. i just hope its soon so i can stop fucking hating myself for this" i sigh and my mother looks at me. "everything will work out, i promise" she says and i shake my head "don't say that" i scoff as i make my way back up stairs.

*elizabeth's pov*
another letter ignored. i don't know why i'm surprised. it's been like that for two weeks now. i still don't see how he can just do that. turn it all off. act like we neve existed. as if he hasn't fucked me everywhere including the astronomy tower. as if all the books i read never interested him. as if the last night talks never mattered. as if all the memories, jumping into the water, sneaking out, loving eachother, as if it never happened. is it easy for him? it has to be. and if it's easy, that means he never really cared. and that can't be true. there's no way.

"draco,
     last letter for the day. are you even reading these? are you seeing how much your hurting me and just throwing it away? like you're throwing us away? i'm giving you a month, draco. a month to answer me, my letters that will continue coming, if you don't answer me in a month. then i'll know how you feel. just please, i'm begging you, please think about why you're doing this. how much you're just choosing to forget. as if it never mattered. did it matter to you, draco? or was i just a side character in your story? a game for you play in your free time? i'm really stupid right, to keep writing these when obviously you aren't going to answer. or maybe i'm stupid for falling in love with you. because that's what i did, i fell so in love with you. every part of you. every emotion. every problem. i love. maybe i'm stupid for thinking you could love me. i mean, my own father can't love me, how could you?
     i'm breaking, draco. is that what you want to hear? i'm shattering into millions of tiny pieces. i don't know if i can put myself back together this time. without you to help glue everything back on. so, a month, if you don't answer. then so be it, we're done. just like that. so please answer, becasue the more pieces that fall apart, the harder it'll be for me to put back together. i love you. i hope you know that. you should by now.
     love,
          elizabeth"