crave

twenty-nine

i smile as the slow breeze makes my hair move, the setting sun glowing on my skin. i wanted to go to the astronomy tower but i knew i would never be able to get up there so here i am, sitting under a tree looking out over everything. everything seems great right now. i don't have to go home anytime soon, me and draco can stand to be around each other, me and astoria have gotten closer, and so have me and pansy. everything is great. i know this feeling won't last forever though, i know that the next moment i go home this feeling will be gone. it will be like it never even existed.

im tired of losing this feeling. im tired of longing for a freedom that i dont know how to get. i wish that this feeling of happiness wasn't something so rare.

"elizabeth" i hear draco behind me and i mentally punish myself for staying out here so long. "draco" i say and i can hear him walk closer behind me. "what are you doing? you're supposed to be in my room" he says and i look up at him. his eyes are concerned and his hair isnt the normal slicked back, it just falls loosley around his face. "draco, im fine. i just wanted to come outside for a while. you should sit, you look stressed" i say and he looks at me. "no, come on. we're going inside. ive been looking for you for half an hour" he says and i shake my head "im watching the sunset" i say and he rolls his eyes. "you can go if you'd like. i'll be back in at dark" i nod and he looks at me. "fine. have it your way. just fucking searched the whole school and you can't give me the time of day" he spits and i shrug as he turns around.

i do feel bad for blowing him off but i didn't tell him to search for me. it's not my fault he feels the need to protect me when i don't need protecting.

"im sorry" i hear his voice, its soft this time, as he sits down beside me. he looks at me and sighs "no you're not. but thats okay, you have nothing to be sorry for" i shrug and he shakes his head. "how are you feeling" he asks and i sigh "tired." i tell him the truth, because why not? i feel like i can't tell astoria these things because she's so happy all of the time, so smiley. while draco, i know he's seen things. "im tired of having to fear my father, of having to live my life scared of what he might say. im tired of not being able to live the way i want to live because of what he has done to me. no matter where i go, or how far away i am from him, he always has control. its like i can hear his voice and i can feel his hands at all times" i start to let everything go. something ive needed to do forever. but why now? why to draco?

"its this constant fear that whatever i do he is watching and just planning on how to get back at me. but something inside of me wants to do everything to make him mad, wants to show him that i don't have to listen to him. but i do. and i only make it worse for myself" i sigh and he looks at me. still i stare out at the sunset. "elizabeth" he says "im sorry" i laugh and shake my head "thats not what you meant" i sigh. "my head still hurts but other than that fine" i say, suddenly embarrassed about my emotions. i feel stupid for making myself so vulnerable with him, for trusting in him so much that i would let myself go like that.

"i'll let you watch the sunset" he says and stands up, i realize ive over done it. ive made him uncomfortable with my comfortability. is it possible he still thinks of me as only a fuck buddy? that maybe im the one that thinks more of this 'relationship' than what it actually is?

"oh. yeah" i say and he nods before walking away. fuck, elizabeth.

*dracos pov*
i hate leaving her like that. she's hurting and she just told me how badly and i left. but im not good at comforting people. and i knew if i stayed i would say the wrong thing and only make it worse. she let her wall down with me and i still walked away. it's funny actually, how im the one that thinks about her constantly but still im the one to walk away. im the one that shuts her out when she needs someone the most.

*elizabeths pov*
as i make my way back into the common room i sigh. i dont want to go to draco's room. i don't want to deal with that awkwardness again. so i turn and start to go up to my room "elizabeth" i hear his voice and i sigh as i look over. draco stands at the bottom of the other set of stairs. "im going to stay in my room tonight" i say and he just looks at me "you can stay with me again, elizabeth. i dont mind" he shakes his head. "no. i don't want to overstep any further" i say and he shakes his head "elizabeth, i-" "draco, its fine. you'll probably sleep better anyways without someone taking up the whole bed" i laugh and he nods. i sigh as i slowly walk up the stairs and into my room.

*dracos pov*
i cant help but think ive hurt her. i know i should have stayed. i should have talked to her like she wanted me to but i couldnt. "you'll probably sleep better anyways without someone taking up the whole bed" lies. i slept better than i have in the passed month, knowing she was safe, knowing she was with me and i was with her. i nod and she continues to walk up the stairs. she didnt want to 'overstep any further' she thinks she took it to far. she'll never let down that wall again, scared that i'll run away.