crave

fifty-three

words gotten around about what i did by breakfast. as i walk into the great hall some people stare, some whisper, and some just ignore me. i keep my head down as i sit down beside cam.

"liz, do you need to talk" caleb asks and i shake my head. but to be honest, i do. i need to talk about what my father said. i need to talk about how i didn't mean to cheat on draco. i need to talk about how alone i feel. i need to talk about how i didn't want to stop myself that night. but i can't talk about that. because i only have myself to blame, no one wants to hear me pity myself.

"are you sure? because that's a serious thing" kai says and i laugh "trust me, i know how serious it is. but i'm fine. i stopped myself didn't i" i say and he sighs. "can we just not talk about that? it's obvious it's upsetting her. so change the subject" esmeray says and i give her a small smile, thanking her.

"i'm just trying to make sure she's okay, fuck. she jumped off of a fucking tower" kai snaps back at her and i roll my eyes. "i'm not hungry" i sigh as i stand up and walk away from the table.

my head is pounding as the crowd seems to be getting louder. it's like they're surrounding me but everyone is just talking at their tables. i can feel their eyes on me though. i know their whispers are about me and it only makes me panic more. what if my mother finds out? would she care? what if my father finds out? would he stop what he does? what does draco think? does he wish i hadn't stopped? so many things, so many what if's, racing inside my head.

it's like my world is spinning as i walk out of the great hall, i pass people in the corridor, some stare and some ignore me. i walk outside of the school and let the cool air hit me. i take a breath of the nature and let it out as i open my eyes.

i sigh as i sit down on the grass letting my thoughts take over. why would i ever do that to draco? i love him, i know i do i just didn't want to admit it. because love is never easy. but i'm not one to cheat. i think it is horrible and disgusting. so why would i ever do it? i know i was drunk but i can usually handle my drinks. that night, the night i kissed brandon, i had no control. i knew what was happening but i wasn't making it happen. it was weird. scary.

*dracos pov*
i sigh as i watch elizabeth walk out of the great hall, i can tell she's hurting. i can tell the stares and the whispers are driving her crazy. she has that same look she had the first night on the astronomy tower, the look of panic. i want to run to her and tell her that i'm here for her, but she doesn't want that. how could she? if she wanted me there for her she wouldn't have cheated. she wouldn't have kept that necklace. she wouldn't have let him continuesly mess with her.

i see brandon sit down at the table in front of me, talking to a couple of people. his smirk is wide as he tells a story, i hear him mention elizabeth and i lean closer to possibly hear more.

"it was easy. she was all over me after one drink. and when i thought she was going to walk away, i make her another. i got this shit from my friend, i kept slipping into her drink. she was totally clueless. she gave herself to me" his words ring in my ear. replaying over and over. he drugged her. he drugged her and she didn't even know.

she didn't want to kiss him. she didn't know what was happening. if she hadn't realized sooner he could have fucking raped her. she had no clue what she was doing.

"you fucking drugged her" the words fall out of my mouth before i can stop them. brandon turns to me and so do his friends. "what was that" he laughs and i glare at him "you drugged, elizabeth. she didn't want you. she didn't give herself to you. you drugged her. you little bitch. you can't get any girl to blow you so you have to fucking drug them first" i snap and he shakes his head before turning back to his table.

why didn't i let her explain? if i would have just listened i would have known. but instead i yelled at her, called her names, i pushed and kicked her out of my door. i let pansy call her names. i let people tease her over a fucking suicide attempt. she always listens to me, lets me explain after anything. and the one time she makes a mistake, i throw her to the street.

"you alright" pansy asks walking up to me "i have to go" i shake my head and she laughs. "you can't. we have to go. you can't be late for class anymore" she says, grabbing my arm. should i tell her about elizabeth? its not really my place to tell her is it? i sigh as i follow her. i'll have to talk to elizabeth later.

*elizabeths pov*
i walk into the common room, finally finished with the day. some of the slytherins sitting at the table stare at me as i walk in. i roll my eyes as i walk up the stairs, obviously not going to be able to sit on the couch like i would like. i open the door to my room and shiver as the cold hits me.

"elizabeth" i hear his voice and i see him sitting at my desk. "what do you want, draco? i can't handle anymore fucking names today so if that's what you're here for, get the fuck out" i say and he shakes his head as he stands up. he doesn't look angry or hurt like he has. he looks sympathetic, sorry. "if you're here to pity me for what i did, i don't want it" i shake my head.

"you were drugged, elizabeth. i heard brandon talking about it at breakfast. i know it wasn't your fault" he says and i freeze. it makes since, but how could i not know that i was drugged? i think back on the party, me handing my drink to brandon everytime it was empty and then it coming back to me full. i never thought twice. how could i be so stupid? then, the kiss, i couldn't stop it.

"i'm sorry, elizabeth. i should have spoken to you. i should have let you explain" he apologizes. i sigh as i look at him "i don't know what you want me to say, draco. sure, you know i didn't mean to cheat on you. but everything you said, you meant" i say and he shakes his head "i didn't mean any of it. none at all. all i could think about these past days were me hurting you as i yelled in your face. you didn't deserve that, elizabeth. you deserved the right to explain. you didn't deserve the names pansy called you or the whispers from your classmates. you didn't deserve the pain that pushed you over the edge" he says, now ranting about how sorry he is.

"it wasn't that, that pushed me over the edge, draco. so don't blame yourself for that. don't blame yourself for any of it. i did it" i shrug and he shakes his head "do you not understand me, elizabeth? you were drugged. you couldn't have stopped it. it's not your fault. none of this is your fault" he says and i sigh. this is what i've wanted, i've wanted him to forgive me, i've wanted him to let me explain.

"so what does this mean, now" i ask and he sighs "it means i forgive you. and i'm sorry" he answers. "i mean, with us, draco. people will think you're stupid to get back with me" i laugh and he shrugs "so, who gives a fuck? i know the truth" he says. i look at him, his eyes begging me to forgive myself.

"i love you, elizabeth. this isn't your fault. you didn't cheat. you didn't ruin anything. you didn't make me hate you. so just let yourself go. forgive yourself" he says and i sigh. "i just wanted you to stop blaming yourself, that's all. i hope you're okay. and never do that again" he says and i laugh "do what?"

he looks at me and i smile, knowing exactly what he was talking about. "anyways, i'll tell pansy to back off and if you would like, you could join me for breakfast in the morning. we can talk more about everything" he sighd and i nod.

he steps closer to me and kisses my forehead before he walks out. i smile, he forgave me. now to keep him from killing brandon.