Shallow Valley

39.If This Is Goodbye

39.

You were the one
Made me feel I could fly
And I love you
Whatever is waiting for me
If this is goodbye
(Mark Knopfler & Emmylou Harris-If This Is Goodbye)

Clarke was sitting on the doorsteps, pensive and totally regardless of the severe cold weather. She was feeling like the whole world had been fallen down on her. And maybe that was what had exactly happened. Just few hours before she had spent the most beautiful moments of her life with the woman she loved and now she was under the snow, wondering if that woman had ever existed.

"Hey." a voice called her. Clarke turned. Lexa was standing still, her head bowed in shame and her once incredibly green eyes now so lifeless.

"Hey." the blonde replied, her voice so tired and upset.

"May I?" Lexa asked, pointing at the step Clarke was sitting on. The doctor nodded, without talking and the brunette sat down next to her.

"I'm sor-"

"Don't you dare, please." Clarke stopped her. "Can I ask you a question? Who are you? I mean I listened to your whole story, but what do you want from me and my family and friends? How could you use us? How could you use me?". The blonde was now on the verge of tears, totally devastated. Lexa swallowed.

"I've never... Please, believe me, I've never used you." she claimed. She wanted, no, she needed Clarke to believe her. Not to trust her, that was impossible and Lexa was fully aware of that, but she needed the blonde to at least believe her.

"Clarke, I told you that I loved you and I meant it. I mean it." she said, in tears.

"I'm sorry Lex, I can't... I don't know what I feel anymore. I don't know if the person who told me such words was the same one that is in front of me right now. And it's so painful.". The brunette wiped her eyes and tried to take Clarke's hands between hers, but the blonde stepped back.

"Please, it's me, it's Lexa. I swear you that I'm the same woman you learnt to know these two months. I wanted to tell you the truth, but I didn't know how.". Clarke looked up, in order to avoid Lexa's gaze. She was aware of the fact that Lexa probably had to hide her true identity in order to protect herself and the kids and she found the fact that she could understand it infuriating.

"I know." she muttered. "But it doesn't heal the pain.". Lexa could sense a lump in her own throat.

"Is there a chance that, in the future, you will be able to forgive me?" she asked, suddenly. Clarke turned to her. Blue watery eyes met green irises full of despair and regrets.

"I don't know. I'm sorry.".

________________

"So, who are you? And how the hell do you know Raven Reyes?" Octavia asked Wick. Raven was sitting next to him, on the couch, a bit anxious. Wick looked at the detective, a smirk pictured on his lips.

"Well? I'm waiting for an answer." Octavia insisted. The man breathed deeply and snorted. He puckered up with his lips and waved his hands through his hair.

"Wick!" Raven called him. "Tell her, please." she exhorted him.

"Okay, okay. My name is Kyle Wick. I... Well, apparently if you search for me into a database I'm left for dead. But surprise, I'm alive.". Octavia blinked twice, confused.