Shallow Valley

46.I'm Not Okay

46.

I'll never have the words, I can't explain this hell
But what if it kills me if I keep it to myself
To myself
I am not okay, and I need you to see it
(Citizen Soldier-I'm not okay)

Madi woke up in tears and sweat. Another nightmare. She sank her face into the pillow. She was so tired, so fed up. She only wanted her anxiety to end and to start living a normal life again. The girl waved a hand through her hair. She checked the time and groaned. She decided to get up. Madi got dressed and went downstairs. When she entered the kitchen, she was surprised to find Lexa and Clarke already awaken. She felt her stomach clench. She knew for sure that Clarke didn't have to go to the hospital that morning and that Marcus had told Lexa to only work in the afternoon, in order for her to recover fully.

"Good morning." the girl said, taking her cup and pouring some milk and cereals in it.

"Good morning, sweetheart." Lexa greeted her. She looked tensed and Madi wondered what was happening.

"How did you sleep?" Clarke asked and the girl was sure that the blonde already knew the answer.

"Good." she lied, wanting nothing else than that conversation to end. Lexa sat down next to her about to say something, but she stayed quiet instead. Madi couldn't do it anymore.

"Enough!" she snapped. "What's going on?". Lexa and Clarke glanced at each other, sighing. The brunette stood still, incapable to do anything. Clarke gestured her to keep calm and stepped forward to Madi, bending down to her. The girl could feel her heart race and her anxiety rise. Clarke smiled at her, trying to help the teen relax. Madi stared at her, a lump in her throat.

"I did nothing." she said.

"We know that, sweetheart. We only want to know how you really feel." Lexa told her.

"I'm fine, I'm serious. And I'm gonna be late for school. Anya is waiting for me and Aden and he is still sleeping." Madi cut it short, standing up. She was about to run away, but Clarke stopped her putting herself between the girl and the door, careful not to touch her. She was aware that grabbing her wrist or simply touching her could have triggered horrible memories from the kidnapping.

"I need to go upstairs and wake Aden up."the girl muttered.

"Madi, please, we just want to help you. We won't hurt you, it's a promise." Lexa said.

"But I don't want your help!" the teen snapped. "Now, excuse me, I need to prepare for school.". She pushed Clarke and ran away, trying to hide in vain her tears. The doctor was saying something, but Lexa interrupted her.

"Let her go.". The blonde nodded and sat at the table. "We made a mistake. Maybe all she needs is some space." Lexa commented.

"You are her stepmom, it's up to you." Clarke replied. "But I want you to know that going to therapy helped me a lot through the years. I used to feel so lost after my father passed away. I don't want Madi to experience the same, she doesn't deserve it.". Lexa sighed. Truth was that she didn't know what to do.

"Tell me what you're thinking about." Clarke exhorted her to talk, softly. The brunette shook her head.

"I... What if the therapist learns about my true identity? Will they be able to steal Madi from me?". The doctor sweetly entwined their hands, smiling at her girlfriend. She caressed her cheek, with tenderness.

"We'll find a solution. I promise you that nothing bad will happen to you and Madi.". Lexa bit her own lip and leaned forward, kissing Clarke.

"I love you." she whispered.