Shallow Valley

55.The Mess I Made

55.

I'm staring at the mess I made
As you turn, you take your heart and walk away
(Parachute-The Mess I Made)

Clarke parked the car and ran to the door. She had heard about Pike's death and, even if she highly disliked that man, he knew how he had been important to Marcus. So, after her shift had ended she had immediately stormed to Abby's house, in order to check on her stepfather and eventually consolate him. When she opened the door, however, she widened her eyes in disbelief. Marcus and Abby were sitting at the table, with Anya, Octavia and Indra in front of them and Lexa on the sofa, reading some papers. They all gazed at her, frozen. They looked like children caught in the cookie jar. Clarke frowned, confused.

"What... What are you doing?" she asked.

"Well, we... They wanted to make me some questions, that's all." Marcus answered. It wasn't really a lie, more a partial truth.

"And why is Lexa here?" Clarke questioned, not convinced at all by Kane's answer.

"She wanted to check on us, darling." Abby reassured her daughter, trying not to alarm her. Clarke rubbed her own neck and stepped forward her girlfriend, under everyone's concerned gaze. Lexa tried to collect all the papers as fast as she could, but it was too late. Clarke grabbed one of the sheets from the brunette's hands, who was incapable to react in any way.

"Clarke..." she muttered, but the doctor gestured her to stay quiet. She read the paper, shaking her head occasionally. She could feel the tears wet her cheeks, but she didn't mind. She wiped her face with the back of her hand and put the sheet on the sofa. She felt paralyzed.

"Clarke, please, say something." Lexa told her, scared. Abby immediately stood up and ran to her. However, when she tried to hug her, Clarke flinched.

"Sweetheart, we l-..."

"No, mom!" Clarke cried. "Don't you dare to say that you love me! You lied to me!". Abby glanced at Lexa, looking for some help.

"Clarke, please, it's not what it seems." she said, gaining nothing but the blonde crying more and more.

"From all of the people, you were the last I thought capable of doing so, Lexa." she brutally told her. "About you, I have nothing to say." she then claimed, especially glaring at her mother, Marcus and Octavia. She closed her eyes, a strong feeling of nausea invading her.

"Baby please sit down." Lexa guided her to the sofa. All Clarke wanted was to run away, but she followed her girlfriend instead. She found herself trembling, her breath getting shorter and shorter.

"Baby, open your eyes." Lexa whispered her. Clarke shook her head. She didn't want to open her eyes. She didn't want to acknowledge that reality as the true reality she was living in. Accepting her father's death had been the most difficult thing she had done in her whole life and, maybe, truth was that she hadn't truly accepted it.  Still, knowing that he had been died because of a car crash, because of a fatality, it had been soothing somehow. Some things happen beyond men's will and she was aware of that. However, now everything had changed. Not only had his father died, but also he had been killed by one of his best friends, the one who had held Clarke when she was born, the one who had always played with her, the one who had hugged her at Jake's funeral. She couldn't hold on anymore. She felt the gastric juices leaving her body, together with all her certainties. She vomited on the floor, she didn't even know for how much time. She couldn't even cry.