Shallow Valley

58. God Never Made One Of Us To Be Alone

58.

And if you'd never found me
You'd find someone you thought was like me
And I'd find somebody to remind me of you
[...]
Because God never made one of us to be alone
(Lori McKenna-God Never Made One Of Us To Be Alone)

"So, are you really telling us that you know nothing about a drug deal between some of your people and Pike?" Indra asked Lexa, in utter disbelief. The younger woman nodded, feeling a bit useless.

"How is it possible? You were their Heda." Gustus claimed. Lexa sighed and sat down on a chair. She started tapping on the desk, trying to find the right words to explain her role in the Grounders' society. In front of her, the two federal agents and Anya, Octavia and Jasper were staring at her, waiting for an answer. Lexa felt a bit under pressure. She had accepted to help  them with Pike's case, obviously hiding that to Clarke, hoping that it would have helped her to relieve that horrible feeling of anguish that was pervading her since she had learned about Guara River's death. The idea of someone hunting and killing her people was unbearable. Even if she didn't live in Polis anymore, she still considered herself a Grounder. And this was also one of the reasons why Clarke shouldn't have had to know about her helping with Pike's case. Explaining to her that she couldn't just stop to be who she had always been, Grounders' Heda, would have been a bit complicated. Not because Clarke was stupid or close minded, but because Lexa didn't want the blonde to think that she wasn't ready to commit herself in their relationship. On the contrary, she wanted nothing but spend all her life with the blonde. However, she wasn't ready to let her past go. She couldn't. It was a part of her and she couldn't do anything about it.

"Lex." Octavia called her, bringing her back from her thoughts. Lexa shook her head and scratched her chin. She sighed again.

"As I already told you, I was more a spiritual leader than a true leader." she explained.

"Were you a sort of... Pope?" Anya asked, frowning. Lexa chuckled, amused by the thought of her wearing papal white clothes.

"No Anya, I don't think so." she answered. "For Grounders, the Heda is the reincarnation of the ancient gods that lived the earth before they created humans. Technically I am... Well, was their leader, but they saw me more as a demigoddess. As the Commander, I had illimitate power, but at the same time I lived separated from other people, so I couldn't really wield it."

"It didn't make sense at all." Gustus commented.

"It does instead." Jasper retorted.

"Explain." Indra told him. Jasper took a deep breath and chewed the inside of his cheek. Everyone's eyes were on him and he felt a bit anxious. Lexa seemed to notice it and put a hand on his shoulder, to calm him down.

"Well, it sounds to me like the Heda is something sacred to them, something to worship, a cult item more than a person. It was common for some ancient civilizations in the past." Jasper explained. Lexa fought the tears, in vain. Hearing someone calling her an item had been painful. She was aware that it was the truth, for Grounders she was nothing more than a sacred icon to put on an altar.

"Jasper is right." she said. "And I think that this is the reason why Titus hated Costia so much. She made me see that I was more than an item. Titus wanted me to be alone, manipulative. It hurts, but I think that I'm slowly realizing that even if I was the Heda, he was the true lord of the Grounders. I feel so stupid, oh my God. I let him use me, like a puppeteer with his puppet."

"But you weren't his puppet, Lex!" Anya told her sister. "And this is why you are here now.". Lexa faintly smiled and nodded. She checked the time and stood up off the chair.