My Destination, My Bondita

53 - Just The Way You Are

When Anirudh held Bondita upright, he noticed her dress. It was tight and hugged her curves. The cleavage was low, and quite revealing for something in India and that too, in that time period.

All Anirudh did was sigh. 

He didn't feel anything. Not an ounce of lust or desire. 

"Bondita, what is this?" he asked her, furrowing his eyebrows. 

"I wanted to look like an English woman from magazines," Bondita admitted. "To make you desire and want me." 

When he heard this, he was shocked. Why did she want to make him desire her? 

"But I don't like this dress," Bondita said, her eyes filling with tears. "It hurts me and it makes me so uncomfortable. These pins are hurting my head. Do I really need to do all of this to make you desire me Pati Babu?"

Anirudh just looked at her for a few moments, trying to register what was happening. 

He took her hands and lead her to the bed, seating her down. Her dress moved higher up her thighs, and Bondita nervously pulled at the hem, trying to make it come down. 

Anirudh touched her hands gently, his palms resting over her bare knees, trying to show her through his touch that she didn't need to be afraid around him. 

No matter where he touched her, or how he did so, he could never have wrong intentions for her. 

"Bondita," he said, his voice cracking, sitting down next to her, "Why do you think you need to make me desire you?" 

"Because you're not accepting me as your wife," Bondita told him, tears now flowing down her cheeks. 

Anirudh let go of her hands and reached to wipe her tears away. His heart hurt to see her like this. 

This was what he had wanted to avoid at all costs. The ill effects of child marriage made Bondita this way. 

It broke her mentally and emotionally, and made her want to do things that impacted her self-respect. It made her crave for attention and love. How could Anirudh make her understand that she was more than enough for herself? She didn't need him to fulfill her. Instilling this self-confidence and self-respect in Bondita was very important to him. 

"You are my wife," he told her softly, and she looked up with hope. "I did marry you. You are my wife." 

She smiled at him. This was what she wanted to hear!

"But Bondita..." Anirudh continued, "Our relationship is not like the rest of the husbands and wives. We're married but in a way where you're my responsibility. I will stay with you, but we can not be together in the true sense of husband and wife." 

Her eyes flooded with tears again. 

"Pati Babu, even if I'm your responsibility, why can't we also be husband and wife in the true sense? How come they're linked to each other? I also have a responsibility to you, to this family, to my duties, but does that mean that I'm not linked to any of them?" she asked. "I have a responsibility towards Kakasasurji, then does that mean my relationship with him isn't true in the real sense? Am I not his Bahu?" 

Anirudh knew that her arguments as always would make him go speechless. He wiped her eyes again, and then began to remove the pins from her hair one by one. 

"Bondita," he said to her softly. "You aren't listening to me. You aren't understanding what I'm saying." 

"But Pati Babu, I only wanted to make you happy. I only wanted to make you want me," she told him, sounding very sad.