The Final Project

Chapter 36

Ava

I've always seen myself as the victim. I've always wanted to be the victim. Perhaps it's the only way I feel validated. Perhaps the only way I know how to express emotion is by feeling sorry for myself.

Talking to Ivy made me realize that. I've always compared myself to her. I've always wondered in what ways she's better than me. Whether it be that she's smarter or prettier or nicer, all I did is compare. I never thought that she might be going through something. I never thought that I could somehow invalidate her experience because of how focused I am on mine. I can't seem to recognize anyone's pain but my own, and that's inconsiderate to the people around me, and especially to Liam.

He's a good person, and I realize I'm not. I'm not as kind and giving as Liam. I'm not as patient as Liam. I'm not as understanding as Liam, and I know he deserves those things. I know he deserves someone that gives him just as much love as he gives to the world.

I walk toward his table in the cafeteria. "Can I talk to you?" I ask. His friends stare at me, probably knowing by now how shitty of a person I am. It's deserved; I know. Despite that, Liam follows me into the hallway,

"What's up?" he asks once we're there. His hands are in his pockets, and he leans awkwardly on his locker, probably anticipating another self-deprecating speech. That's not what he's getting.

"I'm sorry," I blurt out. "For projecting my insecurities onto you. I know it's not right to assume how you feel about me."

"Ava," he steps closer. "I'll tell you right now how I feel about you. I love-" The past Ava could only ever dream of this moment, but I know I have to stop him from saying things he doesn't mean.

"No, Liam. You deserve someone better, someone secure with themselves, and I so badly wish I could be that for you." I know he knows what's coming as tears start to well up in his eyes. I try to remain strong. "But I can't be that for you...Not right now at least. If you can, wait for me, but promise me if you find someone else, you won't hesitate to be with them."

"Ava..."

"Promise me."

"I promise," he says, his tears hitting our intertwined fingers.