The Final Project

Chapter 38

Ava

It's hard not to look back at the past and question your choices. It's hard not to ponder the what-if's, and the what-could've-beens. What if I said this? What if I did that? It's an endless cycle, a loop of self-inflicted doom that you can never truly escape.

A year ago today I lost the one boy I had ever cared for. The one boy that had ever cared for me. I often wonder if I made the right choice letting him go, but deep down, I know I did. I know he's in a better place.

I know he's going to a good college on a sports scholarship, just like he always wanted to. I know he's working hard to fulfill all the goals he set forth. I know he's pursuing his dreams, and I'm so incredibly happy for him. I'm so incredibly happy for the first boy that ever made me feel loved. All I hope is that he feels loved too.

I look at the graduation photo hanging in my dorm, and I see a scared little girl that's afraid of what'll come of her life. How badly I want to give her a hug. How badly I want to wrap her in an embrace and tell her that things will get better. I want to tell her how beautiful she is. I want to tell her how deserving she is of love and life.

But I know those things now. I've learned to love myself, to feel comfortable in my skin. I don't feel the need to constantly ridicule myself for things I can't control, and it's liberating. It's liberating finally being able to look in the mirror, and not pick apart my flaws.

I'm proud of little-Ava for going through all she went through, and I'm proud of the young woman I've become today. Today, the day I was heartbroken. Today, the same day I embody the version of myself that I've always wanted to be.