The Final Project

Chapter 100

Ava

I walk into Liam's room, the smell of smoke filling the air. He's sitting on the floor, his back against the bed frame, and head toward the ground. 

"Hey..." He doesn't reply, but I sit beside him anyway, the puffs of smoke reminding me of the day we sat on the curb of the road. The day I said things I probably shouldn't have said. 

I steal his cigarette from him, and blow the smoke in his face. I swear I see his lip quirk up a little at the gesture. He must remember. "I've missed you," I also repeat from that day.

"Mm, and you want me to miss you too?" He does remember.

"Yeah, selfishly, I do." I lean into his shoulder, and finish the remaining bits of the Morelbero Red. He doesn't seem to mind. "What did you wish for that day?" I ask, reminded of the shooting star.

"I can't tell you. It wouldn't come true then, would it?"

"Why hasn't it come true yet?" I ask, hoping to get a hint at what it is.

"I don't know. I think I'm afraid it'll hurt me." I nod, staring at his profile as he seems to contemplate saying anything else. "And it's hard to be that vulnerable again."

"Yeah, it's hard being vulnerable, especially if you've been hurt before," I agree. It sucks that I might be talking about myself hurting him. The thought that I've somehow inflicted any pain on Liam is eating me alive.

"But sometimes things that happened before might've been necessary." I trace patterns on his open palm. "Maybe in the end, that wasn't the moment it was supposed to happen, but maybe the moment is now." I hope that's true.

As much as I'm trying to be positive, I do wonder sometimes if I never should've broken things off. Would we have been in a better place? Would Liam have been happier?

"What was your wish?" He grabs another cigarette, and dangles it between his teeth.

"I can't tell you either."

"Why? It hasn't come true?" Flicking his lighter, he ignites the cigarette aflame. The action is oddly attractive. The way his brows are furrowed in concentration. The way his lips blow out the smoke. If we weren't in a weird place, I'd kiss him right about now.

"Yeah, it hasn't come true..." I reply.

"And what if it never does?" He looks at me suddenly seriously now, and silence fills the room. What if it never does? What if all of this was for nothing?

"Then I guess it wasn't meant to be," I conclude. And even if it wasn't, I'm happy I knew Liam anyway. Even if everything falls apart, I'd like to believe we were destined for each other. That we were sewn into the breadth of time, and maybe not forever, but maybe for now. Maybe just for this moment he's mine, and maybe that's okay. Maybe I'd rather this one moment with him than a billion with someone else.

Liam

"Then I guess it wasn't meant to be." My heart breaks a little at the statement, and I wanna reassure her. I wanna tell her that it is meant to be. That it will be, but I can't make false promises. The last thing I want is for Ava to think we'll ever be anything more than what we are.

"Sometimes," she continues. "I feel like I'm not good enough, and that's why it hasn't come true..." And when I hear her say that, I feel like I'm transported back to highschool. When Ava was convinced she wasn't good enough for me. When Ava left me to try to fix herself. And now I'm making her feel like that all over again...

I can't help but wonder if not acknowledging my problem is making her go back to her old ways. "I don't think there's anything too good for you," I state, truthfully. She laughs.

"Okay, you don't need to make me feel better. We were having an honest conversation here." I take a drag of my cigarette.

"I'm not joking." She doesn't say anything, so I continue. "And if I'm being honest, I don't think I'm good enough for things sometimes too."

"What wouldn't you be good enough for? Have you seen yourself?"

"I could be asking you the same thing." She huffs a sigh, annoyed that I'm not agreeing with her.

"Okay, so why don't you think you're good enough then?" She sits up, and I can feel her staring almost through my skull.

"I'm insensitive-"

"You were being sensitive to my feelings a few seconds ago. Doesn't seem like it's true." I laugh at how quick she is to dismiss it.

"I'm not very understa-"

"That's not true either, and you know it." She keeps interrupting me, so I find something I know she can't argue.

"Well, sometimes I forget other people have lives, and that they can't wait around forever." She doesn't argue the point, and even though I wanted her not to, it almost makes me feel worse that she agrees.

"But you can work on that-"

"No," I interrupt this time. "Stop making excuses for me."

"You're making excuses for yourself!" Her voice goes up in volume. "Just because you're scared, you're creating things that aren't significant."

"Whatever," I reply, starting to get up, and her following close behind me.

"No, not whatever, Liam!" She grabs my arm, and makes me face her again. "You just said you can't let people wait around forever, so if you don't wanna be with me, just tell me." We finally get to the reality of what's bothering her. "I'm not buying the whole 'I'm-not-good-enough' shtick of yours."

"It's not a shtick!" I yell back. "Just because you think I'm fucking perfect, doesn't mean I am!" 

"Oh, I don't think you're perfect." She laughs. "No, that's not how it works. I know you're not perfect because I know a perfect person wouldn't punch their friend for no reason."

"It wasn't for no reason," I state, looking away from her again. 

"Then why'd you do it? Why'd you even think it was okay to hurt your friend over a joke? Can you not take it? Is that what it is?" I can feel my blood boiling at how much she keeps nagging me. "Why did you do it, Liam? Tell-" 

"Because I can't stand the thought of you with someone else!" My words rip through the room, and she goes completely silent. "I can't stand it, and I've tried to stop the urge, but it's impossible. You make everything impossible."

"I'm not trying to-"

"I know, and that makes it so much worse. You don't even fucking try, and you have this affect on me." She seems suddenly flustered by what I'm saying, but words are just spilling out of my mouth at this point, and there's no way of stopping them. 

"All of last year I beat myself up over losing you, wondering if I somehow did something wrong. Even now I wonder if I should've reassured you a little more. If I should've told you how beautiful you already were. Maybe if I had tried just that little bit harder, we would've been in a much different place."

"What happened wasn't your fault, Liam," she says, shaking her head. "And no matter what you think you should've told me, I needed to figure it out alone. Without you."

Without me. Her words make me think back to how bad I felt without her. When I had thought I would never see her again, and I realize Ava's standing in front of me now, and I'm  standing in the way of us being together. I'm standing in the way of happiness.

So, with all the courage I can muster, I finally say what I was going to a year ago. I finally let go of my fear because I realize that worse than fear would be the regret of never trying. Worse would be living without her for even one more second. 

"I'm in love with you, Ava." I cradle her face in my hands. "And and I don't have the fucking power to stop myself from it anymore." 

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100 chapters!!!!!!!! i can't thank you all enough for reading. seriously, this story has only continued because of you guys, and it's just as much yours as it is mine. 

forever grateful <33333