Always You || Patrick Cripps

62.

Pat's POV

It's sad isn't it, not getting the one you love. We say different things like "in another lifetime" or "right person, wrong time", just to make ourselves feel better. But deep down, we know. What we once were, we will never be again.

I had her, and then I lost her again. Now we're almost strangers. I pass by her and we don't even exchange hellos. We simply walk past and she pretends she didn't see me as I smile at her.

I know her heart probably breaks every time she sees me, as does mine. Only she doesn't know that.

This wasn't how it was supposed to go. Another month without talking to one another. The decision I made was becoming harder to stick by.

I felt an immense amount of guilt at the thought of what I did to her. My stomach did somersaults every time I heard her name mentioned. The guilt had taken over me.

So much so that I ended things with Steph. I didn't tell anyone, but I did. I think I knew it wasn't right from the very start. Even with Georgia's encouragement, I should have listened to my gut. I should never have kept her number.

I knew that now.

I didn't want to lead Steph on, knowing it wasn't going anywhere. It wouldn't be fair. She had never done anything wrong. She was funny, she was kind, but she just wasn't Georgia. It was never going to work.

Although there was no choice to make between them anymore. Georgia and I were no longer in contact.

But it still felt right to end it with her there. As bad as it was to have to break the news. Nothing could be worse than not telling Georgia I loved her, when I so obviously did.

I was still tempted to, all of the time. Just to go up to her and tell her. A revelation of feelings at it's finest. There were so many things I had to say.

At one point in these weeks gone by, I got so close to telling her. I even grabbed my keys and drove my car down to where I knew she would be. I got close in distance, took one look and stopped.

I saw her smile, that smile that had been missing as long as I had been around. The smile everyone deserved to see but no one got to.

Seeing her smiling, after the pools of tears she left in that night, it was almost worth it.

That was the whole reason I couldn't tell her. Because I knew without me, that smile would someday return. And it had.

Even if it didn't last long, even if it was over something stupid, her smile could never be taken for granted.

After I saw that, I knew I couldn't tell her. It wouldn't be fair, it wouldn't be right. So I let her go, for real this time. I left her alone to continue to live the life I knew she would.

Hoping that if I gave her enough space, one day, we would find our way back to one another. But that was in the very, very distant future.

I tried to avoid her as best as I could. Although I couldn't help but sometimes notice her when I was out. From a distance, I would often watch. Not in a stalker way, and especially not to get her attention. But I choose to watch out for her.

Because even if once, that smile did return. Behind that smile, I saw how tired she looks. I see how sad she looks, and all I want to do is hug her, but I can't.

Being able to see her was the only thing that kept me going. Without that to get me through, I don't know what I would do with myself. Because I can't live without her.

I miss her everyday. I miss her smile, and the way she used to wear her hair. I miss hearing her speak, even if it was when bickering with Josh or Marcus. I miss that cackling laugh that she only did when I was around.