Embracing the Night Skies

43

Chapter 43
Voices

This is the most unfair encounter I have had in my whole life. I didn't see it coming. No signs. Or maybe, there are signs, I just chose to ignore them. It's unfair for Aria. All those years she put up with me, she didn't let me be there for her. I thought she was doing well. I thought she was fine. Or maybe I chose to think that way. It turns out, the person who gave me nothing but the will to live, is the one who's tired of living.

"I have something for you." kinuha ko mula sa bag ang maliit na note ko.

I wrote this for her. Something I thought I wouldn't. Kahit puno ako ng sama ng loob ay lumalambot pa rin ako.

"Aria, I know that these words are useless since I am not able to say it to you anymore... But I'm standing here because these people should know what kind of a person you are." mahina ang pagkakabigkas ko ng mga salita. "You light every crowd you walk on. You connect with everyone. And you are a one call away person. I'll always be grateful to have you. You're not my best friend because you are family to me. My sister from another mother, I hope I made you feel loved. Sana napasaya kita ng sobra." hinayaan ko na ang sarili na humikbi. "You deserve every good thing in this world. And I'm sorry that we failed you... I'm sorry that I failed to protect you from this cruel world."

Hindi ko na natuloy ang iba pang sasabihin dahil nag-breakdown na naman ako. Nang magpunas ako ng luha ay sinindihan ko na ang kandilang binigay niya sa akin noon. Aniya, pina-customize niya ito para sa akin.

I waited for a few minutes to compose myself. Scented at amoy matamis na strawberry iyon. Nakatitig lang ako sa kandila hanggang sa may nagpakitang iba't ibang kulay na letra sa puting beads.

I Love You

I didn't know that three words will hurt this much. Bumuhos na naman ang luha ko nang makita iyon. I loved Aria dearly as a friend. At itong damdamin niya, iniisip niya ba na hindi ko siya kayang tanggapin? Ang dami na naming pinagdaanan ng magkasama. I would still love her no matter what!

"Kung mahal mo pala ako, bakit mo 'ko iniwan?" Tinakpan ko ang mukha habang patuloy na umiiyak.

Pagkatapos kong makalma ay binigay ko na ang bulaklak na dala ko para sa kanya. Nilagay ko iyon sa gilid. Hinaplos ko ang pangalan niya sa lapida. Her name engraved on that stone makes me want to bawl my eyes out all over again.

"It's my little girl's death anniversary today. The day I think I died too. Hindi ko alam kung natatandaan pa ni Kael." I told her as if she could still hear me. Pinunasan ko ang gilid ng aking mata. "And you know, if only you were here. It would've been less painful. Sana... iba ang ginagawa ko. We could've been drinking coffee on your balcony, o kaya road trip. Bakit ka naman kasi umalis ng walang paalam?"

Tumingin ako sa langit na ngayon ay makulimlim na.

"My baby Esme, how does it feel up there in Heaven? Katabi mo na ba si Papa God? Baby, could  you please ask Him to guide me and help me move on?" tears began to roll on my cheeks. "Kasi hindi ko na kaya, anak e. Hinang-hina na ako."

I pursed my lips to prevent them from trembling. Pinunsan ko rin paunti-unti ang mukha ko. "At kung pwede... Payakap naman si Ninang Aria mo para sa akin. Ang dami na niyang sakit na pinagdaanan dito e."

"I know you're both happy already. There's no pain there, right?" Para na akong tangang umiiyak na naman.

"Alam mo, Verissa is nice... I know she will make your dad happy. He could take her anywhere without being afraid. Kasi walang gulo... kasi okay siya... Hindi siya ginugulo ng utak niya. Hindi niya sinasaktan ang sarili niya."

I couldn't believe that I would tell them my insecurities. Ang hirap magmahal ng taong wala na sa piling mo.

"Naiinggit ako sa kanya. Kasi siya 'yong better choice. Alam ko rin naman na aalagaan niya 'yong papa mo." muli akong tumitig sa kandila.