Embracing the Night Skies

18

Chapter 18
Dysfunctional

There is no such thing as moving forward for me. One wrong word, one wrong move, I'm at the same place all over again. Parang lahat ng nasa paligid ko ay nagbabago at nagpapatuloy na ang buhay samantalang ako, nandoon pa rin sa sakit. Nanatili pa rin sa sakit. I can't imagine living like this until I'm thirty. Baka mag-quit na lang ako.

It's so unfair how the people who hurt us are not even sorry for causing us too much pain and trauma. We are forced to accept the fact that at the end of the day, it's us who would adjust.

Pero gaya nga ng sinabi ko, hindi na talaga magbabago si Daddy. His anger consumed him, and when he's mad, your feelings won't matter. You won't count. His rage only matters.

Some things are beyond our control, and one of those things is a person's character. Yes, I do believe that people change. But at the end of the day, there will always be a chip of their character that will remain. That's something that makes them distinct from the others, whether that character may be good or bad.

It's the 23rd of December. Siguro ang ilan ay nagmamadali na sa pagbili ng pang noche buena pati regalo. Samantalang kami ni Kael, nandito sa payapang lugar kung saan niya ako unang dinala.

Habang nakaupo sa swing ay umatras ako ng dalawang hakbang para hindi gaanong kataas ang pag-andar ko. Sa bawat pag-baba ng paa ko ay pinapasok ng buhangin ang sandals ko. Lumalangitngit ang kadenang hinahawakan ko dahil sa pagkaluma nito.

Si Kael ay nakaupo lang sa katabi kong swing at pinapanood lang ako. Tunog ng ilang sasakyan ng nag-daraan kasabay ng hampas ng alon ang sumasabay sa katahimikan namin.

"Tagal na pala talaga nating hindi nagpupunta rito 'no?" Tumigil na ako sa pag-swing. I held onto the chains of the swing while looking at him. "Buti nag-aya ka."

"Good place to unwind."

"True."

"Saan ka sa Pasko?" Tanong niya sa akin.

I became silent. Hindi ko kasi alam kung uuwi ba ako ngayon. Ilang buwan kami walang imikan ng mga magulang ko. I don't even know if they want me there. Baka nga bumiyahe ako papuntang Laguna ng walang sa oras. Alam ko rin naman na alam ni Kael ang sitwasyon ko kaya nagtatanong siya.

Nag kibit-balikat ako.

"Kapag wala kang pupuntahan, doon ka na lang sa amin."

My mouth was half opened but no words came out. I pressed my lips together. Hindi ko mahanap ang tamang mga salita. He wants me to spend Christmas with them? With his family?

"Gusto mo 'kong mag Pasko sa inyo?" Kumurap ako. I can't help but be surprised.

"Oo—kung gusto mo lang naman. At kung wala kang plano na bumalik sa inyo, welcome ka sa amin." His lips curled up. "Kilala ka naman na nina lolo at lola pati ni Kacy."

The warmth immediately covered my scarred heart and it sent comfort down to my stomach. The past months have been rough for me, but this man kept on showing up. He kept my sanity intact as if no danger could ever invade my mind.

Natahimik uli ako. Naalala kong hanggang pagkakaibigan lang ang pwede kong ibigay. I don't know how to love properly. I was never taught how. I know that I love my friends but when it comes to relationships? I have no idea how would it work. Kung pwede nga lang magbasa ng manual tungkol sa pagmamahal, ginawa ko na.

Pero walang ganoon. You have to navigate your way to love on your own.

Tumikhim si Kael. "Since hindi ako sigurado kung kailan ulit sunod nating pagkikita, ngayon ko na ibibigay 'to." He reached out something from his tiny sling bag.