Breathing in, breathing out

Losing game

This pain knocked me out

and made me feel like a useless soul

someone who didn't know the games

that you seemed to create for us.  

I didn't know how to say it to you

but it came terrifically cleat that 

being with you made me bleed

I couldn't fight anymore since

loving you was a losing game.

This breakup took me out

and made me look like a total fool

someone who couldn't see the signs

that this love was torturing us. 

I was sleepwalking through winter

but I yearned for spring's warmth

letting go of you was so unbearable

that I couldn't see through the dark

because I was giving up for good. 

This goodbye was killing me

and made me act like a complete jerk

someone who didn't control the changes

that this life has been given to us. 

What was even scarier is the

fact that I didn't just lose you

I lost my joy as well as self-worth

for wanting to give you everything

while leaving no room for self-care. 

This recovery was burying me

and made me be like a senseless person

someone who couldn't avoid the end

that you planned to go to with us. 

In the end, all that was done

was all that we've done for us

lying wasn't fun in the long run

we found some pleasure in hurting

hoping it'd give a proper closure. 

.  .  .

________________________________________

A/N: Okay, so... I've always found that writing romance is far harder than it may seem but for some time now, I've seen that writing poems about toxic relationships is even harder because I seem to suffer in them. Whenever I come up with an idea like this one here, I'd think it through for a day or two and then start to write it out and it usually takes me an hour or two to finish it and then publish it. It's no secret that I've had my own toxic relationships, but not every poem is about me; it is about all of us in whatever form or box we put ourselves into. In that sense, writing(and especially poems that turn out as songs) is healing and could work a similar way to therapy. For me, at least because I feel a sense of relief whenever I write about love that cuts us open and leaves us bleeding. What I want to say with all of this is to look at my work as art-in-process as I know that with age my style changes and takes a different turn and it's probably getting much more painful to read as time goes on. Take it as a warming, but embrace it to its full extent. It's how life is. It's both beautiful and hurtful and I'm just using my talent to examine it. 

With love,

M.