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15

*Blake*

Tonight was a mistake.

Everything I did tonight was a complete and utter mistake. From offering to drive to her home, talking to her parents, bringing her to the field, answering her stupid questions— all of it.

The deep wounds within my soul that I have been begging to heal for half a decade now are crying out in agony, threatening to be ripped back open at any given moment.

None of this was supposed to happen, she isn't supposed to be anything to me except for a punishment for the things I have done.

I wanted to slap myself the second I started walking toward her table at The Grill, but I simply couldn't stop.

I don't know what has been up with me lately, but it's been feeling like that if I give Elena even the tiniest drop of information about myself, every part of my past pushes against the walls of my mind, threatening to come flooding out too.

I've known from the beginning that I can't handle being civil with her, the anxiety that comes with it isn't worth it.

I suck in as much oxygen as I can from the ripping gusts of air, still feeling like I can barely breathe.

I speed the entire way home as my palms begin to sweat profusely against my handlebars, making it hard to grip them. Once parked, I sprint towards my front door.

Flicking on all the lights, I hastily make my way to the kitchen.

I hungrily grab the bottle of whiskey off of my counter and pour myself a hefty glass, not even bothering to put the cap back on before downing the entire thing.

I hear ringing start to make its way harshly into my ears and a throbbing headache soon forms. I clench my jaw in pain, feeling like I'm about to break my teeth.

My mind suddenly warps into a whirlwind of thoughts that are beyond my control.

This time, I grab the entire bottle of whiskey and bring it to my lips, chugging it for as long as I can, desperate for any source of relief.

I pull away after it becomes too much. The burning in my throat is painful now, but not nearly as bad compared to the pain inside my head.

My chest suddenly tightens so hard I can barely draw in a breath.

Panic washes over every nerve in my body and I know what is about to happen.

Pull yourself together. You're okay, this will— "No, you're not okay, and you don't deserve to be. This is your punishment."

I tug harshly at the roots of my hair as a massive wave of nausea swirls in my stomach.

"You're a murderer."

"It's your fault."

No matter how hard I try to push them away, the screaming voices in my head won't quiet.

Serious panic begins to settle over my mind and my entire body begins to shake.

I rest my trembling hands down on the side of my counters for any sense of stability, but I can barely grip the edges. I dig my fingertips harshly into the hard material and let my head fall down to my heaving chest.

What would Elena think of you if she knew what you did?

"Shut the fuck up!!" I scream throughout my empty house, screwing my eyes shut tight.

My chest continues to heave up and down heavily as my throat suddenly closes up, a tormenting feeling I know all too well.

Fully hyperventilating, I pick up the almost empty bottle of whiskey and hurl it away from me as hard as I can. It shatters into hundreds of tiny pieces of glass instantly as it makes contact with the wall, the ear-splitting sound of it pierces through my unsteady mind.