Contrast

40

It's been two weeks since I've seen Blake.

I refused to go to practice again after that first day, telling Janet I would rather rest up as much as possible. Olivia was upset at first but eventually understood, telling me that my mental health is more important than watching practice. 

Since I've been on Zoom for classes, I haven't seen Blake in person at all. 

There's been no texts, no glances, and no words exchanged between the two of us.

I wouldn't say that I've gotten over it, the mere idea of him is still enough to send me into a sickening spiral. The shock of the situation has worn off, though.

I simply feel numb now.

I haven't been eating as much as I should either, feeling too down to cook. Noah and Olivia have been asking me every day if I've eaten. If I say no, I get a knock on my door with Chick-fil-A twenty minutes later without fail. 

It makes me feel guilty, but they refuse to take the money I offer them for it.

I've only been to Noah's house a couple of times, they're both doing their best to constantly cheer me up, but it's hard. It's especially hard because the pain isn't just about losing Blake, but how suddenly I did. 

How is it possible we went from having sleepovers, hour-long midnight conversations, Harry Potter marathons, and cooking each other breakfast only to have every form of communication abruptly cut off a second later?

Despite living through these last two weeks, none of this feels real to me. 

It's because our relationship didn't come to a natural end; we didn't grow apart or make the conscious choice to cut ties as many do. 

Instead, every brain cell in Blake's head screamed at him to push me away and he wasn't strong enough to fight it. And I wasn't strong enough to hold on. 

His brutal absence has left an agonizing hole in my heart that I'm afraid will never be repaired. All the anti-depressants in the world haven't been able to give me the same feeling he once did. 

Even though it doesn't smell like Blake anymore, I still haven't washed his hoodie. As pathetic as it may be, I've worn it every single night to bed. 

Since I so desperately crave the one person I can't have, I find solace in the soft material he once wore, the clothes he once left on my pillow just for me. 

Speaking of sleep, according to Noah, Blake hasn't had much experience in that department recently. He tells me that Blake looks absolutely dreadful at practice, deep purple bags under his eyes again. 

I watched a live stream of the game we had last weekend and when we were down 21 points by the second half, I had to shut it off. 

Blake has been ridiculed and torn down by the media all week for what happened. News reporters everywhere are wondering what happened to the all-star quarterback that has never played so poorly.

Every time I happen to spot one article online about it I immediately switch my focus to something else, not being able to handle the guilt and sorrow that come along with reading those things. 

Justin, who went to the game with Lily last weekend, even texted me to ask what was wrong with Blake. 

Everyone knows that something has changed him, it's glaringly obvious. It only makes me feel worse when people I barely know ask me about it. 

I wish everyone would just stop, me not realizing until now that so many people knew about the short-lived yet close relationship Blake and I once had.