Contrast

30

*Blake*

My eyes slowly open as a bright light shines down from the window, making me squint and quickly close them again. They feel extra heavy this morning, swollen from the tears that uncontrollably escaped them last night. 

Remembering that I cried in front of Elena just a few hours ago is enough to make me feel wide awake only seconds after waking, my entire mind already riddled with anxiety.

I haven't shed a single tear in 5 years, never allowing myself to reach that point. When the thoughts become too dark for me to handle, I'd much rather finish an entire bottle of whiskey in a night than let a single tear fall down my cheeks. 

I'd rather be numb than feel the overwhelming pain I know emotion like that brings. 

I never could've imagined that the next time I cried would be on her shoulder. I physically cringe at my extreme display of vulnerability before I sit up in the bed. 

Frowning at the lack of warmth surrounding me, I peer over to Elena's side to see that it is empty. 

The second I place both of my feet on the ground to stand up, I almost feel physically sick from the memories of last night flooding back into my mind. The entirety of last night has left a nauseating pit of guilt in my stomach. 

I know I shouldn't have kissed her. Hell, I shouldn't have even come over. 

Only yesterday we barely agreed to be friends and now I'm showing up at her house to pick up the pieces from her broken relationship and sobbing into her shoulder about my shitty past. 

Nobody, including her, was ever supposed to know anything about my life before Ohio State. Even telling her the tiniest of details feels overwhelming and it's beginning to feel like I'm suffocating. 

I am constantly fighting a tireless battle in my mind and I'm afraid I'm losing it. 

I have these tiny moments when I am around her when part of me wants to open up, a part of me that wants to face everything I've been hiding for years. The other part of me, however, makes me feel like I'm drowning at the simple thought of it all. 

Regret isn't exactly what I am feeling because although this whole situation makes me extremely uncomfortable, I know I made the right choice by coming over last night. 

She needed someone, even if that someone had to be me.

Everything about this is well out of my comfort zone and I'm not crazy about it. When I kissed her, it was as if my body was acting before my mind. Elena just looked as broken as I felt in the moment and I didn't even know what I was doing before I leaned in.

Regardless, it was a mistake. 

I can't bring her into my life, she'd have no idea what she was getting into. There are parts of me that I refuse to ever show anyone else, her included. 

I deserve to be alone. And it's my fault that I am.

Anger suddenly courses through me as I remember what even got me here last night in the first place. I would gladly bike over to Lucas' house right now and snap his body into two, but Elena said I can't.

I don't know when I started caring about what she wanted, but it makes my stomach hurt. I don't like her and I'm not supposed to like her. 

She has made my life a miserable hell for the last 3 years and that isn't going to change in one night that ended in a mistake of a kiss. 

Regardless of what I try to convince myself, I still can't deny how the kiss made me feel. 

I instantly felt a wave of relief crash over me at the contact, every weight that has been on my shoulders for the past 5 years was magically lifted in an instant for that short moment in time.