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42

*Blake*

I slam my front door shut behind me, breathing out a sigh of relief when I finally sit down on my couch.

My entire body, especially my arms, painfully ache after walking a total of 4 hours today. The walk back from Lily's wasn't nearly as bad as the one there; I thought my arms were going to give out halfway through.

After the fifth car stopped to speak to me and people began taking pictures just from passing, I almost said fuck it and turned around, but I'd regret it if I did.

I knew I couldn't drive my motorcycle over to Lily's house with her huge present, and I was not about to ask Justin for a ride.

The last thing I needed was for him to not be able to bring me back in time before the three of them got to the party or something. I lied and make it sound like someone was picking me up, but I got too distracted playing with Lily and almost didn't notice when I heard Noah's truck in the driveway.

I booked it out of there, carefully maneuvering myself around a few cars so they couldn't see me.

I guess my lack of sleep is seriously impairing my focus, though, considering who I ran into only seconds later.

At first, I told myself I wasn't even going to attend the party.

Over these last few weeks, I've pretty much only left the house for class and football and wanted to keep it that way, but then I remembered the promise I made to that little girl.

I've hurt so many people in my life and I couldn't stand to add Lily to that list.

She needs to grow up in this world knowing that there are people who care about her and keep their promises; I never want her to feel like I did as a child.

I rub my bloodshot eyes aggressively, realizing this is the longest I've ever gone without sleep.

It's been a full 72 hours since I've had even a second of shut-eye and my body is seriously starting to feel the effects.

I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't play football, I can't focus on anything, and I am dealing with upwards of 3 panic attacks a day.

When I do manage to eat, my body forces it right back up.

I know I am treading in dangerous waters right now, I could lose my scholarship and professional offers in an instant if I play again as badly as I did in the last game. Coach even threatened to take me out of the game and put some pussy freshman in my place.

I thought Elena not attending would make things easier and I would be able to completely focus in, but it was quite literally the opposite.

I couldn't get my mind off her the entire game, constantly looking over to the squad in the middle of plays that she was supposed to be a part of.

Every time a girl was flung into the sky for a stunt I found myself scanning the group of girls, even the only one I cared about wasn't there.

Eventually, my uncontrollable urge to look over morphed into overwhelming hope; hope that Elena would somehow appear out of thin air.

These last two weeks have been a living hell. I haven't felt this miserable or tired since the day my father booked me on a one-way flight to Miami.

I've been trying to convince myself that I am better off without Elena and she is better off without me, but the thoughts in my mind screaming at me that I'm wrong cause me to feel physically sick on a daily basis.

Pain still radiates through my chest when I think about the whole video game situation that snowballed into this emotional turmoil, but I have begun to have doubts.