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Massive TW: contains overdose and talk of suicide.
I was near the edge of figure 8 when I got a call from Rafe. I swiped my phone accepting it. "Where are you?" He asked, his speech was slurred and he sounded drowsy. "I think you know why I'm not there." I replied flatly. "What do you mean?" He asked sounding confused. Fucking cunt. "Where are you?" I asked while internally screaming at myself. "At home, when are you coming back?" He asked. "Now." I mumbled while hanging up. As angry as I am, he deserves an explanation. I suppose... I took out my phone and typed out the whole situation into the pogue group chat, not that any of them would answer. Just for when they're back. Well that's what I tell myself.
Once I was finally outside Tannyhill, I couldn't help but sigh. Do I even want to talk to him? I suppose I have to. I walked up to the door and knocked. A few seconds later it swung open revealing a wasted Rafe. "Hey baby, where'd you go?" He asked with a smile spreading on his lips. "No." I replied while turning away from his hug. Rafe had a confused look on his face. "Did anything exciting happen at the party?" I asked while making eye contact. "No. Why?" He answered quickly. "Anything you want to tell me?" I ask, feeling tears stinging behind my eyes. "No, what's wrong?" He asked while trying to touch my face. "You let her kiss you. You didn't pull away, I waited and watched, I was praying you would pull away but you didn't." I shouted. "Oh." Was all Rafe said before looking down at the floor. "I have no one. You're the only fucking person I have on this island, today you told me how much you loved me, you fucking came inside of me, I've never let anyone do that. My brother is missing, my mom is missing, my only friends are missing and you fucking cheat on me?" I yelled while stepping backwards. "My sisters and dad are missing too." He whispered. "That's not a fucking excuse!" I spat. "I'm sorry Jules." He mumbled drunkly. "Can you get my stuff?" I asked, ignoring his previous sentence. "Yea." He mumbled before leaving from the door frame. I sat on the steps of his large house. I was fighting back tears the whole time. What went wrong? How could I have been better? What did I do? I was sat there thinking about everything he's done for me when he appeared again. "Hey Jules, I'm really sorry." He mumbled while handing me my bags. "I know." I nodded. I wipe my eyes and leaned up on my tippy toes, kissing him deeply. Rafe's arms wrapped around my waist and I pulled away. "You forgive me?" He asked with confusion. "No. That was a goodbye kiss." I said blankly. "Oh." "Yeah." "Will I see you again?" He asked looking down at me. "I don't know." I mumbled. I looked up and noticed his glossed over eyes. "Bye Rafe." I mumble while opening my car and driving towards John b's chateau.
Once outside I walk up to the entrance, unlocking the door with his spare key that he keeps under the couch. I step inside and sigh at the mess. Maybe it's just because I'm an emotional wreck right now, but all I want to do is clean. At least cleaning keeps my mind off of it, right? I connected my phone to a speaker and began playing some music. I was trying so hard to keep my mind busy but I just kept crying. I have no brother, no boyfriend, no parents. No one who fucking cares.
By the time I'm finished cleaning, the sun has risen and I don't feel one bit tired. Honestly I could run a marathon and still be wide awake. My thoughts are so loud right now. I'm completely and utterly alone, and it's my own fault. If I had just gone to that stupid party, maybe Rafe wouldn't have cheated. If I had been with my brother and my friends maybe they wouldn't be missing. Yet here we are all the good in my life is ruined by me.
I walked through the empty house, noticing how still everything feels. I decide to go to the gym. I mean what else would I do? Unlike going to the Cameron's personal gym I have to go to the public gym which isn't a problem it's just weird, I haven't been since I met Topper there. I have to get some clothes from mine anyway.
When I was finally back at my house I saw my moms car. I rolled my eyes and entered the house. "Hello?" I called out. No response. I walked through the kitchen and didn't see her, I entered the lounge room and saw her passed out with some shit on the TV. I walked around to face her and sighed. God, why can't I have a normal fucking life? I pulled a blanket from the back of the couch and pulled it over her, as I was tucking her in I realised how cold she was. My heart dropped and I immediately checked for a pulse. I couldn't find one, I couldn't feel anything except this horrible cold feeling. I stood up and took out my phone, dialling 911 while trying to wake her. "Mom! Come on, no, no, no. You're not gone." I yelled while shaking her. The dispatcher told me to stay calm and that there was an ambulance on the way but it didn't comfort me at all, I don't know how long she's been like this. I'm so fucking selfish. I don't even know how to do cpr. I don't know how to save her. I feel completely useless. If I wasn't such a child I wouldn't have left and my mother would still be alive.
A few minutes later an ambulance pulled up. They loaded her in but after checking her pulse and looking at her they turned off the sirens. "I'm sorry." Is all I could hear over my own tears. As much as I didn't like my mother. I didn't need this, I can't lose her. As much as I wanted to hate her for the abuse she's put me through, I just can't. She was the one person I've always had. My brother is missing, he doesn't know that our mother is dead. Although he didn't speak to her, I'm sure he would've liked to get a reasoning behind why she left him and now we won't ever know. I don't even know if JJ is alive, the sheriff is saying that they left voluntarily but I don't know. I now have to plan a funeral and figure out where I'm going to live, I'm not staying in a big house if I'm going to be living alone.
After leaving the morgue I felt absolutely drained. All that energy I had has been sucked out of me. I don't know my grandparents and my mom has no siblings. I have no one to call and tell them she's dead. I could call my dad but I don't know his number. I decided to go to JJ's. Although he isn't there, I can tell Luke.
Arriving at Luke's I was surprised to see his car. I climbed out of my car and knocked on his door. A few minutes later and I was contemplating leaving, when the door swung open revealing Luke. "Oh. It's you. What do you want?" He asked while taking a swig from the beer he was holding. "I don't know if you care but moms dead." I mumbled. "From what?" He asked while narrowing his eyes at me. "Overdose, on what we aren't sure yet." I said flatly. "Oh. Okay." He said while finishing the rest of his beer. "You wanna come in?" He asked while opening the door for me. "No. I have to plan her funeral, also I don't know if you've noticed but JJ is missing. Did he say anything to you before he left?" I asked . "No that boy never says anything to me." He said while placing the empty bottle on the floor. "Oh." I mumbled. "Here's my number, maybe we can get lunch or something before the funeral." I said while handing him a piece of paper with my number on it. Luke nodded before taking the paper. "You look just like her when she was younger." He said while pushing his lips together to form a flat line. "Oh." I said with an awkward tone. "I'm sorry for your loss, I know you haven't seen her in awhile but I know you cared about her at some point in your lives." I said while flashing him a sad smile. Luke nodded a thanks before going to close the door. "Wait, Jules. Do you know if it's a suicide?" He asked while turning around to face me. "I'm not sure, I didn't see any of the signs. I know she's been using since I was young so I just assumed it was a bad dose." I said while my brain began spinning. Suicide? I never imagined my mother being in so much pain that she might want to take her own life. "Yeah I suppose." Luke nodded before sending me a flat smile and walking inside. That one question left my mind spinning. I wouldn't have said my mother was the happiest woman, but suicidal? I mean honestly I can't imagine her being that sad. It would make a lot of sense though.
