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I didn't even make it into the driveway before I was sick. My mother, suicide? No. It couldn't have been, she didn't like me, but I know she wouldn't leave me voluntarily. She liked her life. Didn't she?
Walking into my empty house made a funny feeling come over me. I would normally be happy that my mom is gone, but this, This is an indescribable feeling. It does feel real, it feels like she'll walk through the door at any given minute, drunk and stumbling while yapping on about how much fun she had at the bar, I'd actually love to even hear her shout at me. There's so much I never got say, and now it's just going to have to stay unsaid.
I opened the door to her lavish bedroom, the first thing my mother did upon buying this house was get her room completely done up. Her room had oak wooden floors with a large overly expensive white rug that had specks of gold. Real gold. Her bed was an oak frame with a connected oak canopy with a white lace fabric draped over . Her bedding was always so white. So white it would give you a headache staring at it for too long.. She has two matching bed side tables both oak with golden handles on both. She has a large mirror facing her bed, along with a small office area in the corner of the room. The room still smelled of her overly sweet perfume and her cigarettes. I would usually complain about the smell but I smiled at the smell. It made me feel as though she'd be home any minute now. I decided I wanted to sleep in her room, although I didn't feel too tired, I just felt empty. My eyes were sore from the tears I had cried over the last twenty-four hours. It's one thing after another lately. I don't know who I pissed off to deserve all this, but I'm sorry.
I half dragged myself into my room and grabbed my favourite childhood teddy, I say childhood but only stopped sleeping with it once we moved to the Obx.. I tucked it under my arm while making my way back towards my mothers room. I dropped my teddy onto my mothers bed and entered her closet. All her clothes are just as lavish as her. I picked a pair of her soft cotton pyjamas and put them on. They still smell like her. I plaited my hair before dropping backwards into her bed and pulling my teddy into my chest and crying into it. I tossed and turned for a few minutes before realising I don't like the quiet. I put on some music while trying my hardest to forget that I'm completely and utterly alone.
My sleep didn't last long, I sat up in my mothers bed and climbed out. Maybe I have too much energy? Most likely. It has to be it. I take off my mothers pyjamas and throw on shorts and a bra top. I kicked on my running shoes, made myself a pre workout drink, grabbed my AirPods and began my jog towards the gym. I couldn't help but look in to Rafe's driveway while running past. His truck was still parked in the driveway along with his bike. Still at home.
Once at the gym, it felt so strange to be stood there, around so many people yet feeling so alone. I scanned my eyes over everyone in the gym and I wasn't surprised to see Topper. I was planning on going home since I'm not in the mood to speak to him but decided against it. I made my way over to a treadmill and began my cardio. Not even 5 minutes into my run when I was interrupted. "Yo! Jules." I heard Topper say. I turned to face him while pressing my lips into a flat smile. "Topper." I said blankly. "You look rough. Everything alright?" He asked with a small grin. I know he knows that Rafe cheated on me, I doubt he knows about my mom but it's still pissing me off. "Amazing." I said flatly. I was honestly surprised by my own voice, it sounded so monotone and had no emotion. "Aren't you gonna ask how I am?" He said while turning on the treadmill beside me. "No." I said flatly while shifting my gaze from him towards the treadmill I'm using. "I'm sorry Rafe cheated on you, but you don't have to be a bitch." He mumbled. "Fuck off." I spat. I think that's the rudest I've ever been to someone, I think. I don't know. I stopped my treadmill and I could see Toppers shocked expression from the corner of my eyes.
I finished off with legs and core before I walked home. I honestly dont know what to do. I have to plan a funeral for the one person who's been there my whole life. I also can't tell any of my favourite people since one cheated and the rest are missing. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel okay, how I'm supposed to get better when I have no reason to.
I entered my home and that chilling empty feeling returned. Not that it really left. I need to go. I was sat beside the door when I heard a loud knock. I swung open the door and saw Rafe stood there with a mixture of sadness, guilt and sorrow expression on his face. "I'm so sorry." He said while avoiding eye contact. "Yeah." I mumble, I'm not exactly paying attention. "No really. I am so fucking sorry." He said while stepping forward. Normally I would stop him or shout, or cry but instead I just stared at him. This is someone I love, I really haven't ever felt this way about anyone before but I can't bring myself to care right now. "Okay." I murmur. "What happened?" He asked while standing closer and looking at my eyes. "She's dead." I muttered. As I said that it really set in. She really is dead, not like when she passes out and I wake up and she's gone for a few weeks, but really dead. Like no matter what I do, she isn't coming back. "What, who?" He asked while his eyes were scanning my face. "My mom." I said while my eyes began to sting with tears. "Oh fuck." Rafe muttered while stepping forward and wrapping his arms around me. If this was under any other circumstances I would scream, cry, slap, punch, shout at him but right now, all I want is to be told it's all a big sick joke, my moms okay, Rafe never cheated, my brother isn't missing, my friends aren't missing and everything is okay. I know that won't happen, but god do I wish it would. "Why are you here." I mumble in between cries. "I needed to let you know how sorry I am." He said while holding me tighter. "I don't know what to do without you. Every time we break up something happens. Why can't you just love me the way I love you?" I mumble into his chest. "I do love you. More than anything, but you don't understand, I think I was drugged." He explains. "What do you mean?" I asked while still keeping my head hidden in his chest. "I mean I think Topper drugged me so you'd dump me and he'd be my best friend again, although that's not why I dropped him." He explains. "It seems a bit far." I say flatly. "No, I've been drunk more times than I can count, I've been high on a shit ton of different drugs, but that was a different type of feeling. It was like, I wasn't me. It was like I was watching a movie of someone else but it was me. I don't know." He rambles on. "Yeah." I mumble. I don't know if I believe him but I just want him, I know it's a stupid idea. I know I'm stupid. But I can't do this, I can't be alone, I miss him, I miss my brother and I miss my mom.
