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A few days had passed since we got wasted and fucked, well actually... we've been doing that pretty much everyday. Today I'm feeling a little more insecure, which isn't something I want to admit, but its true. I don't like the feeling of being me, this feeling never really goes away, but most of the time its hidden beneath distractions, wether that be, alcohol, boys, drugs, gym. It doesn't matter, I can't seem to shake the feeling. I'm feeling insecure of the way I look, the way I wasn't good enough for Rafe to stay loyal, all of it honestly. I'm also feeling extremely guilty. I've ruined everything.. if we didn't move back to the Obx because of me, my mom wouldn't have started using again and maybe she'd still be alive.. I feel guilty about Kai, I thought I was over it but the memories come flooding back. I feel guilty about the pogues, maybe if I was there for them, just maybe, they wouldn't have all left. I'm a really shitty person.
I practically dragged myself out of bed, Rafe was no where to be seen. He probably couldn't be bothered staying with me anymore. I honestly don't blame him. The hangover isn't too bad today.. I entered the bathroom and felt so indescribably disgusting upon seeing my reflection. I mean, I don't look any different.. it's the same me.. but I don't feel the same? From just standing there for a few seconds I can already pick out over 20 things I dislike about myself.. my waist could be smaller, my eyes could be brighter, my skin could be tanner, my stomach could be more toned, my legs could be longer... The list could go on but I don't feel like talking about it. I washed my face while avoiding my reflection.
Once I'd finished showering, brushing my teeth, flossing and applying sunscreen I was practically ready to go back to sleep...
I re-entered our room and saw Rafe sat on the bed, busy playing on his phone. Today is our last day here, we go back later tonight, and honestly I don't want to go back, but then again I do?? It's so confusing..
"Hi." I said shyly. "Hey." He said while furrowing his eyebrows at me. "What?" I asked while scanning his face for some sort of reasoning. Rafe didn't respond just pressed his lips together, keeping his brows furrowed. "Rafe.." I started. "I didn't say anything." He shrugged. "Then why are you being all weird and staring at me like that?" I asked. "Jules, I literally just said hey to you. Are you okay?" He asked while staring at me. Oh god he probably thinks I'm a psycho, or maybe he's finally seen me the same way I see myself. "Fantastic." I said blankly. "Jules.." he said in his warning that he always seems to use with me. "I'm okay honestly." I lie. If I tell him how I feel, he'll get sick of my shit and leave.
I watched as he narrowed his eyes at me before nodding. "Okay." I'm sure he's so sick of me. I don't know why I had to go to him.. I mean I spoke to loads of kooks at the boneyard.. I'm sure one of them would have spoken to me if I texted them?? I don't know..
I began packing my bag. I don't want to leave anything behind, I mean I doubt I'll ever come back here.. this place is in Wards name.. and Who knows maybe Rafe will get sick of me and my bullshit and drop me, I honestly wouldn't even blame him.
Once I had finished packing I just kind of sat on the bed, emptily staring at the wall. I honestly feel so overwhelmed with such bullshit that it's making me feel numb.. I don't know how else to explain it. "Hey, you wanna go out for food?" Rafe asked while entering the bedroom. The idea of food is making my stomach churn, I don't want to ever touch food again. "No, I'm okay. I don't feel hungry." I said while trying to sugar coat my tone to not sound like a whiney piece of shit. "Oh. Okay." Rafe nodded while tossing his already packed suitcase onto the bed. I know he only packed that fast because he can't stand me. He just wants to go home, I've ruined everything for him. "Do you want to leave me?" I blurted before I could even stop myself. "What? No." He asked with confusion. "I mean, I understand if you don't want to be with me. You looked happy with that other girl." I trailed off. "Jules.. that night was a mistake, what's bringing all this up?" He asked while sitting on the bed beside me. "No reason, you just looked happier with her. I mean what was her name?" I asked. I know that if I find out her name I can stalk her instagram and compare myself to her, maybe try and be more like her.. I don't know. "Jules." He said in that annoying warning tone he always seems to use with me. "Rafe, I'm just wondering out of curiosity." I mumbled while playing with the drawstrings of my shorts. "Blake. Her name was Blake." He said in a awkward tone. Of course it's a pretty gender neutral name, of course she had to be a perfect blonde haired girl with a nice smile. It's probably who he's bound to end up with, a nice girl who comes from a nice family.. who was born rich. "Oh okay." I nodded.
I'm so unbelievably fucking stupid for asking. Why did I fucking do that to myself? I asked him her name around an hour ago, Rafe if now playing in the pool while I'm sat inside scrolling through Blake's instagram. She seems fun, outgoing, exciting, everything I'm not. She has so many kook friends, always on boat trips, or trips to the mainland to go shopping. Blake honestly seems like a really nice person, I just wish I wasn't seething with jealousy.
After at least two hours of scrolling, I slammed my phone down and stepped outside. Only thing to cure this horrible feeling is alcohol! Or weed... but then again I only really smoke with JJ. So maybe not.. honestly if JJ came home, I'd buy him as much weed as he wants as long as he never left me again.
I drank more than I'd like to admit. Rafe has been pressing me on what's wrong but I haven't told him anything, this isn't his problem. It never was, he was just nice enough to help.
"Are you sure you're okay?" He asked while we were packing up the last of our stuff. "Mhm. I just feel weird. Summers over, we go back to the Obx, but no one is there waiting for me." I shrug. God I'm such an oversharer while drunk... "You have me, no matter what baby." He said while wrapping his arm around me. God now he feels bad. Can I get anymore pathetic?? "Yeah I know, sorry I just feel weird." I shrugged. "Don't apologise. I know what you mean." He nodded. "I'm sorry to ask, I know it was awhile ago, but why did you do it?" I asked while dropping my eyes to the floor, hoping to avoid his piercing blue eyes. "Do wha- nevermind. I have no excuse, I think I was drugged, I don't know, it's not good enough. I'm sorry." He mumbled. "It's fine, I was just wondering." I said. God I'm such a selfish shitty person. "I'm sorry for bringing it up." I nodded. "It's okay, you deserve to know." He nodded. "Is there anything else that's been bothering you?" He asked. "I know I've been ruining your life.. you can say I'm not all you want, but I know. Since you've been with me, you lost Topper, you lost Kai-" Before I could finish my sentence Rafe cut me off. "I didn't lose Kai. Kai is a disgusting fucking freak who should be ashamed to have even been born." He ranted. "Oh."
We didn't speak much on the way to the airport. I mean not because we're angry, but because there's nothing to be said. My head was rested on the window, dread filling my entire body. We're leaving this little strip of happiness and have to go back to reality. The harsh reality which is, I'm alone. I have no one waiting for me at home, I don't even have a home. I have to go back to an empty house on figure 8, sell it and get a more reasonably sized house, just like what I promised JJ.
I was shaken from my spiralling thoughts by the cab driver. "We're here." The man spoke. "Thank you." Rafe mumbled while handing the man some cash. I smiled and thanked the man before we left and began to walk towards the private jet. It's so strange, this feeling.
Rafe greeted the pilot, Gavin. I stood awkwardly behind Rafe, like a child too embarrassed to say hello. Well that was before Rafe pulled me in front of him. "Hi." I said. "Hi." Gavin replied with a kind smile. Gavin seemed to be really nice, I just don't want to talk to anyone right now..
We quickly boarded the jet, leaving everything we had here, to fly back to nothing.
Sorry this chapter is so sad, the whole story won't be like this. Anyway, I hope everyone is feeling okay. Please vote, share and comment! I'd love to hear your thoughts. 🫶🫶❤️
