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Being home felt unbearable. It's been two days since we've been home. Everyone is being nice to me, overly nice, like they know what I'm thinking, like they'd even understand. Rafe has been helping me with selling the house, I've found a real estate agent that's interested in working with us but I feel so wrong. Maybe I'm making an excuse not to sell the house but it feels wrong selling the place my mother was last alive in. She died in that house. I think I just want whatever connects me to her, I don't want to live in that house at all, but I don't want to leave it. I don't know how to explain it.
It's now 2AM I'm really drunk, sat at a shitty bar. Maybe it's stupid to be out this late as a girl, especially by myself when everything that's happened, but I honestly don't care what happens to me anymore. "Another whiskey please." I said with a smile. "Alright." The bartender nodded before pulling out the bottle of whiskey and pouring another. "Actually can you just leave the bottle?" I asked. "Of course." The bartender replied while placing the bottle on the side. See the thing is, I don't like whiskey at all. I hate the taste, the burn, the smell. All of it. I'm only sat here drinking it because the burn feels comforting. What am I supposed to do without it? Actually no, what am I meant to do in general?
The bar was quiet, probably only 5 people including myself in here. Honestly I don't know how I've not passed out. My eyes are heavy and dry from tears, I just want to sleep and not wake up until all my problems are gone. I checked my phone, another text from Rafe lighting up my screen. He wants to know if I'm okay. I replied telling him I'm at John b's Chateau. I know I'm lying, he knows I'm lying, but it doesn't really matter. Nothing he can say or do will stop me from what I have planned.
My plan is to get so unbelievably drunk that I can't feel anything, then take a walk along the docks. Hopefully I fall in and I'm too lazy to stop myself from drowning. I heard drowning is a horrible way to die, but I honestly don't care.
I left the bar at around half three. I'm extremely wasted. I have a note in my pocket. I'll leave it under the bottle I've had clutched in my hand since I left the bar. I feel awful knowing I'm leaving Rafe, but I have no other reason to be here. I hate modelling, I always have. I hate being alone, I always have. I have no distractions anymore, it's like the sadness inside me is consuming me. I'm not even a shell of the person I was when I first moved to the Obx. I honestly just want my family. I never thought I'd say I want my mother, but I do. I so desperately do. I miss the sober her. The woman who tried so hard to be good. The woman who made sure I was okay. My sober mother. I don't like thinking about the intoxicated version of my mother. She was horrible, but I still love her.
I feel my eyes sting with tears as I approach the dock. The bottle in my hand now pressed against my lips, finishing the remaining liquid. Looking out at the moon which shines down on the water, causing the water to reflect the moonlight, it's so beautiful. All of its so, so beautiful. I hate that I'm so weak I can't continue, I hate that everyone will know I'm weak, I hate that Rafe will think I'm weak because I didn't want to live. I hate all of it. I'm such a selfish person. I take out the note, reading over it one last time before taking the empty bottle and placing it over the note. Tears are now freely falling down my face, my throat is tightening, my chest feels heavy. I know this is the last night. I know there's nothing Rafe could say to stop me, I know there's nothing I can say to stop me. Im done. I began my walk along the dock, admiring the beautiful yachts that look so elegant in the water. I just hope it won't take long.
I finally sit at a nice area that overlooks the ocean. My feet dangling a few feet upwards from the water. I wonder if the shock of the cold water will be enough to sober me up? I wonder if I'll have the strength to swim, to survive? I hope not. I sit there, playing with the necklace Rafe got me. I take the necklace into my hand, playing with the charm. I take my bracelet off, the one matching with the pogues. I hold the two in my hand, just spinning the beads and charms between my fingers. I love Rafe. I love him more than anyone before him. He's my person. I may not be his, I may never be good enough for him, but he's my person. I love the pogues, they welcomed me straight away, no thought about it. They always made me feel apart of their group. I love JJ. I wish we got to spend more time together, he's everything I could ever ask for as a brother. He's got a good heart and I know he'll be okay wherever he is, but I miss him more than anything. I know they'll all be okay. They're strong.
I began to feel my tears sliding down my chest. It's so strange, I know I'm ready to go. I have no reason to stay, yet my body refuses to let me drop. I began to focus on everything around me. The sound of the water softly crashing against the boats, the smell of salt water and seaweed, the creaky sound of the boats settling in the water, The shitty lamppost that barely lights anything up, the soft night breeze on my flushed skin, I would usually love all of this, but it's giving me reasons to stay, when I so desperately want to leave. My thoughts are spiralling, all I can think about is the amazing memories I made with the pogues and with Rafe, like drunkenly trying to get JJ and John b to stop chasing the chickens and go to sleep, or trying to get Kiara and Sarah who were both very high, to sleep, The two of them adding on to a joke that was told twenty minutes ago and finding it hilarious. Or Rafe, our first date. How perfect everything was, how much I liked him, how sweet he was, I know it wasn't real, but I still love that memory.
After spending a couple of minutes reminiscing in the past I decided that maybe suicide isn't the answer, things are unbearable right now, but I don't want these times to be my final memories, I want to see these times as a rough patch. I made my way over to the bottle and note, ripping it up and tossing it in my pocket of my large leather jacket.
I spent the walk home scrolling through pictures with the pogues, Rafe, my mother and just remembering each one. Trying my hardest to relive the moment. I decided I'd stay in John b's Chateau. I need to. I hadnt been here since the night Rafe cheated and my mother died. It wasn't the Chateaus fault, I like the chateau, it has a homey feel to it.
I pulled out the key from under the couch and unlocked the door, finding it just the way I left it. Clean. I stumbled inside and locked the door behind me, I made my way inside JJ's room and fell into his bed. Falling asleep soon afterwards.
If you're struggling with anything mentioned in this chapter, please talk to someone. Feel free to pm me if you just need someone to talk to. I love you all so much and thank you for so many reads. It honestly feels so strange that anyone would be interested in reading what I've written. ❤️❤️
