Two very numb days later and it was her funeral. I usually love fashion but I genuinely couldn't pick out an outfit. I sat on the floor of my closet tears streaming down my face and all my black clothes thrown on the floor. It's not fair. "Hey, we're gonna be late.. you need help?" Rafe asked while walking inside the mess of my closet. "No." I mumbled. "Come on Jules.." he muttered while pulling me up off the ground. I sighed, wiping my tears from my eyes for at least the 60th time. I picked up a black, modest dress, a pearl necklace and some black heels. I slid on my mothers pearl bracelets while curling my hair. Everything was going so well.. I had my brother, friends, an amazing boyfriend, a mother. Now? I have a boyfriend who is so unhappy with me that he cheated, missing brother, missing friends and a dead mom. Living the life.
The car ride to the church was painfully quiet. I could actually hear my own heartbeat. "It's gonna be okay." Rafe said, finally breaking the silence. "Mhm." I muttered. "You don't have to stay. I'm sorry I'm so sad. I don't expect you to want to stay with me. I won't be angry I'll understand." I murmured. "I'm not going to make you go to your mothers funeral alone." He said while reaching for my hand. "No, I mean the relationship. You looked happy while with that girl. I don't want to hold you back." I said while meeting his eyes. "Jules. I don't want to leave you, ever. I don't know what I would do without you." He said while lifting my hand in his and placing a kiss on my hand. I know he says that he doesn't want to leave, but I don't want to drag him down with me.
I feel sick. Walking up and seeing the woman that birthed and raised me lay in a coffin. It was scary seeing her like this, she looks alive, like she's fallen asleep and she's just having a nap. But the way her chest didn't move and she didn't breathe made me realise very quickly that my mother isn't coming back. I held her hand and said my goodbyes. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I wasn't there. I love you mom. I really am so sorry." I whispered while fighting back my tears that stung my eyes. "Come on, it's okay." I heard Rafe's comforting voice call out. Although he was right beside me, it sounded as if he was at the back of the church. It's like none of this is real. How can it be? I followed behind Rafe and we took our seats waiting for everyone to return to their seats. Rafe reached for my hand but although I love him, I don't want him to touch me. Anyone who gets close to me ends up missing or dead, or just stops caring about me. I pulled my hand away and placed them in my lap. I could feel Rafe's eyes on me but I didn't even have the effort to explain why I did that.
