Let me go

Pain is back

Natasha pov

i was laying on Wandas bed as i watched ceiling. I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I read all if her diaries. The one i promised myself i wouldn't read, but when i saw them laying on her bedside table, i just couldn't resist.

When i read first diary. It was the time when she first came to the compound. I read every single page and saw how miserable she was and none of us knew. She wrote a lot about me... good stuffs only, and i hated her. I know i had a reason but even tho i treated her like shit, she still had those feelings towards me.

Middle of the diary, she wrote about her little crush on me that started after she kissed me for the first time. When i read those pages i couldn't help myself but cry... i felt empty and alone at the same time.

Her second diary was about time she was in raft... the things they did to her was unbelievable to believe. She suffered and was all alone. She wrote that everything felt like hydra. The way they treat her wasn't any different... it was hard for me to read those pages because she never talked about time she spend in hydra or raft. She said it was too hard for her and i of course understood that.

When we were on the run she wrote almost every day. I never saw her writing and i never thought she was doing that. Sneaky of her i guess. She wrote about how her feelings grow and grow everyday. The way i would make her feel... she felt safe with me... i never deserved her...

She wrote everything that i told her about my past and Yelena... thought of Yelena being gone too, destroyed me. We just got united and now shes gone too. I wonder how Alexie and Melina are doing... Wanda also wrote about Alexie and how annoyed she was by him. I always laughed at the pages when she wrote about him. She even wrote down a whole paragraph about why Melina chose Alexie as her pig's name... she wrote that Alexie was pink like that pig and he would do anything for Melina just like that poor pig did. I was chuckling at her nicknames that she was giving all of us...

She also wrote about little talk she and Yelena had after that argument we had at the dinner table. She wrote that sharing secrets with Yelena was comforting. Wanda wrote that Yelena reminded her too much of Pietro and that was understandable. They really did look alike. Maybe not 100% but im sure 80% of their personality was same.

She wrote how we saved everyone in red room and how we ran away from Ross again. She loved the idea of being on the run with me. She loved the idea of doing that with me and no one else...

Her third diary broke my heart... she talked about her nightmares and fake future she saw with Vision. She wrote that, the future she saw with him was the one she wanted to create with me... she loved me too much to
let me go...

She wanted to propose on my birthday... December 3rd... i dont even know how she found out about my birthday because I've never talked her about it...but i guess that's why she was special. Full with secrets that were filled with love and care. But she stopped writing for months before i left...

Middle of the diary was the hardest part for me to read... she wrote about how Vision made her write again. She wrote everything she felt, how she hated me and how she wanted to sleep and never wake up because i wasn't there for her... i left her. Just like that-

After reading those pages, i felt broken. The thought of her being in this situation was terrible... but i did that to her, and that was the sad reality. And i could never apologize to her ever again for my actions. Because shes gone...

Her firth diary was the last one. It wasn't finished but there were lot of pages filled. She started writing with the day she came back to the compound. The first dah she was here didn't went well for her. She had bad panic attacks and nightmares after seeing me again. And after that party she was feeling worse. I hated myself for making her feel so sad and miserable. Full of love and hate at the same time. She wanted to be with me, kiss me, talk to me, touch me, hug me and never letting me go. But she was scared of getting hurt again. Getting hurt by me-...

She also wrote about the time she saw me in the gun room. She wrote that when she said she didn't trust me like she did before, was a lie. She trusted me with her life. She never stopped loving me anf that was hurtful. I was overwhelmed with so many emotions that were caused by her diaries.

After that day she hasn't slept. She felt hopeless and need of something. Something that was me. She needed me and i wasn't there. Instead of helping her, i was being a bitch towards her cold side. She always wrote about me after that day. She wrote about how she missed me... she missed my eyes and my voice which would wake her up in the morning. She missed my lips which she lived very much... she missed our cuddles and movie nights but she wasn't able to confess those secrets with me... until we kissed again.

after that day she stopped writing but in week or so she wrote only one page... time before we went to Wakanda...

On that paper page she had this little convert hidden which had my name on it. Before i could open it i decided to read the page.

"Today is the day... after battle with Thanos, i want to ask Natasha to marry me... i know this is a big step and we just started to renew our old relationship but when i heard about Thanoses plan... i just knew i had to be with her for the rest of my life. To grow old with her in the small town where we would raise out kids and be happy. Even tho im scared... i know that Natasha will be there for me. I know she will. I just know it..."

That page never left my mind. Not even once and its been 23 days since snap happened. She was gone for 23 days, which felt like years. We could've been so happy together but everything was ruined.

In that convert there was the wedding ring. One that looked like my promise ring but it was blue. It was her mothers ring which she carried everywhere. She had it on her necklace... i never knew she would be able to give this to me, but i guess her love was stronger...

I was left with no emotions as i turned around and looked at the clock and saw that it was almost 4am. Before i could turn around, i almost jumped out of the bed when i felt this big vibration all over the place. Whole room was shaking.

I jumped out of the bed and when i looked outside i saw how spaceship was being carried down by women who was glowing. My eyes widened at the sight, but i didn't lose any time as i rushed down towards the exit and as i walked away i saw how Tony walked out of the ship who was met by Pepper. As they hugged i felt sharp pain in my chest. I closed my eyes as angry tear streamed down my face but i quickly wiped it away and walked inside.

This will be a long night

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Not much but little update!!!

Anyways i just watched ep 6 of LOVE AND DEATH AND YALL!
Lizzie will get that emmy! I just KNOW it!!!!!

And im so sad that she declined horror movie offer🥲 but what can i say! My wife needs to rest🙄 shes too busy😉