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74

<<You may don't know why you worry, but you do although worry.>>

I put on my gloves. They are made out of red wool – and they fit perfectly with my dark hair. One of the presents, my grandma-over-sea sent me for Christmas last year. I really like them. "You can't go now," Shawn repeats. "You really can't go."

I know that everybody can and does listen to us, so I turn around to Shawn.
There he stands, in his shirt and black jeans, the hair curly messy as always, the face a little bit tired as usual. "I'm gonna go now," I say. "Get out of my way, so I can leave this place – your home – as fast as I can."

He doesn't move. "Mandy, you've taken a look outside?"

"I don't care." I take a step in his direction. Now, we're even closer, and directly I feel so small and insignificant, as he's always making me feel. He, 'the great Shawn Mendes'. Gosh, I am so tired of that. "I will go. Now." I take a second step, and a third, and now I am standing right in front of him. That's so fucking close, it's like in the elevator back then. It feels like ages ago that we wrote night and day and that he made me laugh and I made him smile just by talking about random stuff.
Now where only a few centimeters away from each others – I can see the different shades of amber in his eyes, and I'm sure he'd be able to count the freckles on my face.
His odour rises in my nose, and again, I can hardly breathe. I don't know if his thoughts travel in similar directions, but for the first time this evening, I have the feeling that Shawn doesn't know what to say. Maybe he's irritated by the fact that we're standing that close together, too.
Either way, between us is the same electricity, the same tension that was already between us yesterday, when he accompanied me to my mother's house. I have to break that tension. "I don't know, why you won't stop calling me a liar," I roll my eyes. "It's like everything I say is going there," I tap on the air next to his left ear, "in and there," I tap on the other side "out."
He follows every move I make with raised eyebrows. "You've finished? Cause I will definitely not let you walk around in a snow storm – regardless of how we feel about each other right now."

I want to laugh. I want to cry. I want anything but not to think about how wrong everything went. I close my jacket with the zip and breathe consciously deep in and out. "Look, Shawn, I don't think we have any more to say. There's no need to pretend you're worried about me."

He exhales sharply. "I just don't understand why you can't admit that you were the one who bullied Amy, and that you nearly gave her a depression!" He eyes me from head to toe, although this is a little difficult because we are still so close to each other. "I mean – why? Look at you, you're pretty, you have a boyfriend – or not – whatever. – You don't need to make her look bad to look good in front of me. It's just ridiculous. That's a level nobody should sink to. I mean, I'm a normal human being, you know? There's no reason to treat other people meanly, just to get in contact with me. I protect my friends and family, ya know?!"

And that's the moment, where I have enough. I mean, where I really have enough.

Shawn Mendes. Shawn Peter Raul Mendes has given me so many reasons over the past weeks to be sad, angry or to feel alone that I stopped counting.
I know that it is Amy's influence, and that it's Amy's words and poison, that it's Amy's lies he's repeating, but he has an own brain, he has an own mind – why doesn't he use it?! Is he so much in love that he is blind? Literally blind by love?!

"I know that you're a normal human," I spit. "I know it, okay? I knew it when we were writing, and I know it every moment we're fighting!"

"What?" Every colour left his face. "What are you saying?"

I ignore him. I can't do this anymore. "I know it when you're misjudging me, I know it when you're acting like a meanie, and I know it every time I meet you and you look at me like I am shit. I know it okay, Shawn? I know it, and I understood: You don't like me."

"Mandy-"

"There's probably no reason for you to like me. Cause yes, I lied to you. Not on purpose. I didn't mean to get catfished by my best friend. So yeah, I didn't speak the truth when we first met in person. But then, then, I was honest. I was fucking honest. I tried to talk to you again and again, but you refused to. You just continue listening to someone who's lying to you the whole time – every time, Amy opens her mouth, lies come out of it – every fucking time! So sorry, that I don't want to spent any more time with that 'human being' in front of me, that apparently hates me. I prefer spending my time instead with people that don't treat me like shit every time they see me. O-okay?" I push him away and open that door.
Oh shit. Shit is that cold. It's so cold, I can feel the wind through my gloves and my jacket. My fingertips are immediately turning numb.

"Mandy! Wait! You can't go outside now, it's dangerous!" I can hear how Shawn is cursing, and then I've already ran several meters right into the snowstorm.

And shit, this was a mistake. – I can barely see my hand, and it is so cold, that even the tears, that might have ran over my cheeks, would be frozen. Is it minus 10 degrees? I only get roundabout ten more steps, then I fall to my knee.
It's like in a scary disaster-movie: The snow is everywhere.
It's so cold.