ShawnMendes entered Wattpad.

164

23:47.

The day they album is going to be out in the world arrived faster than I'd expected.

It has been now two weeks since the party, and a few days less since Shawn and I did talk for the last time.
The first days I've been in trance. Like I knew that I broke up with Shawn, but I didn't want to realize. I didn't want it to be real.
I sat in a hotel room on my bed and booked myself a flight back to London.
I went to the airport – my hand on my trolley's grip and nonstop reversing that scene of Shawn and Andrew talking at the label.

The phone call Shawn and I had.

The fact that he didn't call again.

I bought myself some chocolate and a coke – I couldn't stand the smell of coffee at the moment, and then I entered the plain to get away. Just to get away from my broken heart.
Layla wasn't wrong when she said that I needed someone to talk to. But who?

I couldn't call my mum. She was now best friends with Karen.
I couldn't call Aliyah. That would have been weird as hell and it would've hurt us both. She had to be on her brother's side. She had to support him. Unwritten brothers-and-sisters-rule.

Either way, the person I wanted to call most was the person I just had broken up with.

The music streaming services were high over heels for Shawn's new album. I couldn't open my account without getting a bizillion notices that "Shawn Mendes' new album 'hearts'" was "being OUT SOON."

And I knew my name would be out then, too.
I was listed as a singer-songwriter in the data of several songs. Shawn did offer me several times to put my name into the subtitle of some of the songs to show it had been a real collab.
But I said no. Back then – and eventually now more than ever – I thought that it was his new album. His name should be standing there. Alone. My name shouldn't mess with it.
Lately, it all had been quite in the air. I left Canada when the album was in the finishing process. I didn't know how it all turned out at the end.

I breath in. I breath out.

When the album's appearing as available online, my smartphone's gonna burst because of the messages I'm gonna get.
I know it.

I look at my watch.
I look at the clock at my apartment's wall.
I check my smartphone.

23:57.

Still time to overthink that situation twice.

23:58.

My hand's have started shaking without me recognizing it.

The whole world's gonna know my name.

They won't know for sure that I'm Shawn Mendes (ex) girlfriend but they'll for sure start rumors about that.

23:59.

I'm checking on the time again.

I didn't imagine myself being here, sitting alone in my apartment, when Shawn and I've been working on the album.

I didn't imagine us being in such a situation; such a constellation.

For a few seconds I imagine us, sitting in Shawn's apartment with family and some of our friends. Someone would've baken a cake with ornaments saying "hearts". Someone would've beamed a countdown at the wall. Someone would mix drinks – eventually Aaliyah. Shawn would be excited and eventually a bit anxious. I'd feel nervous, too. We'd share gazes. His look would interlock with mine. We'd smile. We'd kiss.
The countdown's letters would grow towards midnight. We'd all giggle when Connor's making a group selfie. Aaliyah would wiggle her eyebrows causing her mum to give her a little push to look at the camera. I would love being here, next to Shawn, feeling his arm around mine, not thinking about tomorrow. We'd live the moment.
The countdown would catch our attention again. Someone would take out their phone to make sure we're on time. Someone would start their video to get all of this on camera.
I'd suddenly feel more excited than nervous. Shawn would hug me tightly. I'd say something comforting in his ears, and he'd chuckle. And then, we'd all scream and shout and laugh and it'd be super fun.
Later, Shawn and I would go to bed. The apartment's not fully empty – a few people stayed in the guest rooms, cause it's gotten late.
Shawn and I would watch the stars outside as we use to. Then, Shawn would look at me, this special mischievous sparkle in his eyes. I wouldn't believe that this is now my life. That I have this amazing human next to me. He'd say something making me shiver, making me laugh. I'd lean against his chest, my eyes would close, and we'd fall asleep next to each other.

I open my eyes – realizing there're tears filling them. I blink once, twice. I'm back in reality. Back in my own empty apartment, glancing at my smartphone to check the time. I feel the absence of all the things I imagined physically. I feel how much I miss these people, this moment. I feel how much I miss Shawn.

The seconds are passing, I'm counting down till the dial reaches the number twelve.

00:00.

It's midnight.

The album's out.

I open the app.

I tap on the album and open the setlist.

I scroll down.

With each song a memory.

With each song a feeling.

Then, I freeze in surprize.

There are three more songs added to the bottom of the list.