ShawnMendes entered Wattpad.

171

After my father left, I sat for a long while alone for myself at the water. I stared into the frozen surface and replied my own gaze, wondering that that pale face really belonged to me.

"Damn it!" I suddenly say. "What a fucking shit."

My reflection looks at me almost reproachfully. How can you?, it says. How can you be so angry with your own father?

I know I have every right to be angry but all I can think about is that my eyes are shimmering so crazy green right now. Are these the tears I've been holding back, or is it the anger?

I don't know.
I just know that my father came here and thought he could say everything he wanted, and I would be happy to see him.
And there he has been, right: I had been happy to see him. And that is what is so confusing and what makes me so mad and sad. Above all, it makes me sad.

"Hey."

My aunt stands a few steps away with a smile. "Here you are!"

"I'm sorry, I just had to get away for some minutes," I look down again.

"It's because of your father, isn't it?"

I look up.

She smiles a bit. "Your mother told us that he was there. But he didn't speak with any of us. To be honest: He was gone that fast, that nobody even detected his back on the party."

I don't reply anything and only stare back at the water.

My aunt points to the place next to me. "May I sit down for a moment?"

"It's fucking cold, I don't know if you should do that," I say but smile and offer her a place. "If you catch a cold, uncle Ted will be mad at me."

My aunt just takes laughing place next to me. "He never would. Don't worry."

We're keeping quiet for a long moment, then my aunt says: "I can feel that you're angry. And sad. Talk to me, Mandy."

"I don't know what there is to talk about," I answer after a few seconds.

"Just tell me: What is it more: Anger or sadness?"

"Sadness. I guess, it's sadness," I say letting some moments pass.

"And what makes you the most sad?"

It takes a whole minute, then I answer: "That I still was happy to see him. Still!" I scratch some ice of the tree we're sitting on. "That he was expecting that I would be happy to see him. – After all!" My voice breaks a bit. "And I genuinely thought, I was over all of this shit. Not seeing him. Not being a part of his life. Not being loved – at least not enough to be important to him. To be forgotten by my own dad."

"I guess, nobody will ever get over something like this fully," my aunt says and lays her arm around me in a warming gesture. She looks at me seriously. "But with one thing you're wrong: Your father loves you. He's just not able to show that."

"I doubt that." I bite my lip. "You know I've been struggeling a lot in my love life recently. You might have heard that from the news or from Uncle Ted. And just I realized, that I may never be able to build up real bounderies. I mean, I was only wondering why, but I realize now that it's probably still my dad. That everytime I find a person in life I want to trust, I have the feeling, the fear, that my whole world is gonna fall apart, you know? So I just try to prevent that. And as a result I push people away."

"Oh Mandy, you don't push people away," my aunt looks at me seriously. "You're such a warm-hearted person, so full of love and joy for all of us. You bring so much light in other's life. You can see it in your mother's eyes, when she looks at you and in everybody's faces when you show up. And yes, I saw the news, and I heard from your uncle what happened with your boyfriend, but it is not your fault. And is not your responsibility to take over all the faults other people make. I know you tend to do so, just as your uncle does, but I assure you that everything's way easier if you don't put all that weight that comes along the way on your shoulder. Cause you don't need to. It's not your fault what happened with Shawn and it's also not your fault that it didn't work out with Connor."

It is so good to hear my aunt saying these words.
I didn't realize how much I needed to hear this until now.

I breath out deeply relieved. "Thank you Cherry."

"Nothing to thank," my aunt stands up and blows warming onto her hands. Then she looks at me smiling. "I just spoke the truth."

When we're going back to the party, I watch her hugging Uncle Ted and calling her children. "Lyra Antarktika and Jupiter! – Have you eaten up the whole wedding cake?!"

My two nieces (round'about 5 and 4), are giggling. "We've sneaked under the buffett! And we ate tons of pizza and sweets!"

They're both shining all over their faces, and obviously neither my uncle nor my aunt are being angry. My aunt just says very dry: "Very well, good for us then. We don't have to cook tonight."

"Right!" Lyra shows us a teeth-hohle-full smile. "And moreover: We've packed a lot of stuff! Macarons and chocolate bars and we even have leftovers from the mousse!"

We all fall into laughter.
Then, my nieces detect me. "Mandyyy!" The next moment I'm being hugged by two little chocolate-monsters. "You play something with us, Mandy?!" "Oh yeeeeahhhh, Mandy, go sneak under the buffet, tooo!!!"

"Did you leave one or two chocolate bars for me then?" I smile and let them grab my hands and get me away from my uncle and aunt and my mum.
My gaze meets my aunt's, and she nods, smiling.

I smile back.