A word : If you are struggling with mental health issues or something similar, don't stay alone into this, find someone who can help you..
♪ Adieux - Ludovico Einaudi.
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How likely was it that something would happen a second time in a lifetime? In her life...
When she was a rookie, Lucy was abducted and thrown in a barrel in the middle of nowhere. She was found at the right moment.
One week ago, she was abducted again. That time, she was on duty. She was riding alone. She responded to a call for domestic violence. She entered after she said she was LAPD. The house was silent, like nobody was in there. Things happened so fast. She felt something hit her head, and she fell to the floor in a second. When she opened her eyes, she was tied against the wall. The room was dark, smelly, and small. The nightmare was on repeat. Tears were running down her face.
They found her 72 hours later. During that time, her abductor had the time to play with her. Her whole body was just a sadistic map of the injuries he did to her.
She went back home after 5 days at the hospital. Tim drove her home. She was silent. She was exhausted. She wanted to go home in her own bed. She wanted to be safe. She wanted to forget everything she'd been through.
He was just looking at her, distraught. Something was off. They have been dating for a few months now. He was the one who found her again. He stayed at the hospital with her. She didn't talk that time; she didn't ask for a hug; she was physically here but mentally not. She lost her sunshine.
Tim came with her to her apartment. They were not living together yet; it was a discussion they were supposed to have before her abduction. Celina has been her roommate since Tamara left. Things with Celina were smooth and funny.
Lucy went straight to her room, took off her pants, and hid herself under the sheets. That night, Tim stayed here, next to her. Just in case. The next morning, when she opened her eyes, she found him asleep in the chair next to her bed. She was relieved to see him. She got up, woke him up, sat on his knees, hugged her, and allowed herself to cry for the first time in one week. She felt safe with him.
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She woke up in the middle of the night, sweating all over her body. She had that nightmare again. She relived her abuses again and again and again. His voice was stuck in her head. It killed her every night more and more and more. She was alone in her bed that night; Tim was on night shift. Three weeks of nightmares—three weeks where her sleep was a mess. Usually, Tim held her in his arms until she found her way back to sleep, but tonight was different.
She started to walk around her bed, then put music on, but nothing happened. She was stressed. She wanted to scream and hit her head against the wall to stop the pain. She looked at her in the mirror. She had scars that would never leave her skin; she was sick of her own body. It was like it wasn't her anymore.
She went to the bathroom, entered the shower, and sat down underneath the cold water. Her hand was shaking; she was hyperventilating. She wasn't controlling her body anymore. Her skin was painful because of the cold water. She was crying, and as she was scratching her skin with her fingernail, blood came out.
The sound of water woke Celina up. She saw the light coming out of the bathroom. She knocked, but there was no answer. She came in, and she found her in the corner of the shower, soaked and struggling with fear. She took a towel, turned off the water, and approached her.
L - Don't touch me; don't touch me.
Celina went back, got out, and left the door open to keep an eye on her anyway. She dialed Tim's number twice. He answered. "You have to come back; she's not okay. Same thing. I've got an eye on her.".
Tim was here ten minutes later. He found her in the same position that Celina left her. He closed the door, came into the shower next to her, grabbed her hands, and stopped her. He lifted her, took off her soaked clothes, gave her a warm shower, and dried her. He found one of his tee-shirts, dressed her, and went back to the bedroom with her in silence. He laid her down on her bed and sat next to her. She was empty. He fell asleep five minutes after her.
When he woke up the next morning, she was not here anymore. He found her at the window, coffee in one hand. He came next to her and kissed her cheek. She looked at him and gave him a smile.
L - Am I broken?
He took her in his arms before whispering, "No, you're just fighting your demons.". They stayed a moment, just hugging in silence.
T - What happened yesterday?
L - Same nightmare, same feeling.
T - Do you want to talk about it?
She ended the hug and sat on the couch. She began fidgetting with her fingers and finally took a deep breath.
Every night I heard his voice, and I felt his hands all over me. I felt every ciggies burn on my skin, every scar he created, every punch. I remembered every word and every sentence. It's like he is all day long with me. I can't control myself anymore. He is everywhere. And when I woke up, all my body was shaking, my throat was tight, I wanted to puke, and I needed to scratch my skin. I have to take an icy shower, and I can't stop crying. I'm constantly worried that he will find me again. I'm not safe anymore, not after Caleb, not after him. Maybe it was a mistake to find me. I'm a mess, Tim. I won't be the same again. I may have lost everything: my life, my work. It's too hard.
T - I found you was not a mistake, you hear me?
He sat next to her and hugged her. Again, she cried a lot. It was not the first time she had an episode like this one. The rest of the day was calm. They watched movies and talked a lot. It was normal. He was here; it was not dark outside.
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Until now, she had a therapist-visio appointment. She hasn't left the apartment since she came back from the hospital three weeks ago. Today was the day. She took a deep breath. Tim was with her; Celina was not far away. Her whole body was shaking, and tears were running down her face. She stopped.
L - Tim, I can't; please let me go back home.
T - You can do this, Luce.
L - Tim, please.
T - I'm here; I won't leave you even for a second. Do you trust me?
L - Yes, but
T - Do you trust me?
L - Yes...
He offered her his hand. She was terrorized, but she trusted him. She took a few steps before grabbing his arm and hiding behind him. He opened the door, and then she was outside. "I'm proud of you.".
When she came home later that day, she was proud of herself. It was nice to be out. She was not alone; she was protected.
It took her two more weeks to go to sleep without a nightmare. She was navigating through anxiety sometimes. She was on medication. She was able to go out by herself quite soon. She missed the station and her work.
She went back on patrol three months after her abduction. She knew anxiety would stick to her skin for the rest of her life, but with hard work on herself, she had tools to help her. Since that day, she has not been the same. Someone told her one day, " You are not a victim; you are a survivor.". He was right; she is a survivor.
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10/05/2024 -
Hard for me to write about anxiety. Gonna be honnest with you, anxiety is sometimes controling me and it drives me crazy to be unable to manage it. I wish i could discribe more what i wanted to share about that in that story (even if i'm not sharing what "happened" to her). I hope you liked that story anyway. Take care of you, is the most important.
