Tim could watch her sleep for hours when he himself couldn't find rest. Lucy slept peacefully, her head turned toward him, her mouth slightly ajar. As he brushed a strand of hair away from her face, he couldn't help but think about how close he had come to losing everything.
And even after all this time, it was still hard not to blame himself. Yet, she had forgiven him for everything. Everything. But the guilt still gnawed at him, a constant reminder of what he could have lost if he hadn't saved his own soul. He had worked hard, first alone, then together. As foolish as it might seem from the outside, breaking up with her had been an act of hidden love. Too broken to realize it, it had taken a few months, a few conversations, before they gave in again.
"You only find this kind of love once in a lifetime, and for me, that love is you," was the sentence that had changed everything. Tim had never been very comfortable with words, especially when it came to sharing his emotions, whatever they might be. So when those words escaped his lips, Lucy's heart stopped for a fraction of a second. And God, how she loved this man—his vulnerability, his courage to find the strength to heal and become a better version of himself. That was two years ago.
If he hadn't walked into the therapist's office, if he hadn't decided to have that adult conversation, if he hadn't admitted he needed help, if she hadn't admitted she needed help too, if she hadn't been receptive, and if they weren't madly in love with each other, maybe today he wouldn't be lying next to her, his hand lightly resting on her abdomen.
Tim shook his head slightly, as if to dispel those intrusive thoughts. He moved closer to her, and after kissing her lips, he rested his head in the crook of her neck. As if it were second nature, Lucy wrapped her arms around him.
When Tim opened his eyes later in the night, the spot next to him was cold and empty. A faint light spilled out from the bathroom. He rubbed his eyes quickly and got up. Gently, he pushed the door ajar.
She was there, standing under the shower, naked, holding their sleeping daughter against her chest. June had been born six months ago, and it was undoubtedly the best decision of their lives: sealing their love by creating life.
Becoming a father made Tim realize just how much he could have lost if he hadn't fought for her, for them, for himself. This tiny being had completely upended his life—their life. And it was, without a doubt, the best upheaval. She was a dream, a desire he had almost forgotten. So when Lucy had answered, "A child with you," in response to his question about what she wanted for her birthday, Tim began dreaming of that role. Fittingly, it was on his birthday that Lucy told him he was going to be a father. And he was so proud—so proud and in love. He never thought he could love anyone as deeply as he loved his daughter. That love was so different from what he felt for Lucy.
Tim had never felt as vulnerable as he did with Lucy. So when June let out her first cry, and the nurse placed her on his bare chest, Tim let a few tears fall. For the first time, his tears were filled with meaning and love.
Shaking himself out of his reverie, he stepped into the bathroom and moved to the edge of the shower. Lucy looked up, smiling at him as she continued to stroke their daughter's back.
"Everything okay?"
"Still the teething. She woke up crying. And since she loves the shower, I thought it might soothe her a little."
"It seems to be working pretty well."
"Hm, she just fell asleep."
"Need a towel?"
Lucy nodded and turned off the water. Tim wrapped June in a towel before handing another to Lucy.
"I've got her. Dry off and get back to bed."
After kissing her forehead, Tim headed to June's room to get her dressed and steal a few tender moments with her. Once he had tucked her into bed, he watched her briefly before returning to join Lucy in their bedroom.
When he lay down in bed, Lucy snuggled up against him, resting her head on his chest. They stayed silent for a moment.
She couldn't explain why or how, but pressed against him, Lucy felt that something was different in his posture, in his breathing. Still, something urged her to take a deep breath, wondering if the middle of the night was really the right time to have a conversation.
"Babe?"
"Hm?"
"Are you okay?"
It would have been easy to simply say yes, that he was just tired, but they had promised never to lie to each other again, no matter the subject.
"I was reminded tonight of everything I could have lost that day if I hadn't had what it took afterward. I might never have known all of this—this life with you, and now with June. I'm happy with you and her; I don't need anything more. But sometimes, those intrusive thoughts come knocking again. Tonight was one of those nights. And even though we've forgiven each other, there's always going to be a small part of me that will forever regret how much I hurt you."
"But you didn't lose anything. I'm here, we're here. Do you remember when you told me you only find this kind of love once in a lifetime? I'd be willing to live through it all again and again if it meant finding you—finding us—in the end. And even though it was hard, even though we were miserable, look at us now. Happy and imperfect. You know I love you, right?"
"Thank you."
"For what?"
"For everything. I love you."
Tim kissed her tenderly before pulling her closer. Soothed by the sound of her breathing, he slowly closed his eyes, feeling lighter.
June woke them up two hours later. He could have lost everything, but in the end, he had gained it all.
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31.12.24. Hello, Hi :) Here my last story for 2024. I started this journey in June. And, well i enjoyed every word i wrote. Thank you for all of this. I hope you still enjoy it. The Rookie is back in 7 days now. I can't wait. Take care of you, HAPPY NEW YEAR to all of you. Please leave a little comment and vote. It still helps. See you next year.
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