Bed of Nails

Chapter 100

It was time to see my friend. 

The last dinner I had with him was not worth remembering. I have not seen him since then. I was nervous and so angry to see him again. I think anger is always going to be there when I meet my father. It will take years, or maybe aeons, for me to let go of my anger against my father. But this nervousness was something new. I felt a sudden nervousness inside me. Maybe that nervousness was because of the things Alfred told me. I don't want to believe them. I want to think Alfred is lying to me, but I know Alfred never lies. He has always been true to me, and that's what made it hard for me to accept it. It's hard to just brush away this topic. It was hard to believe the person he was talking about was my father and not his doppelganger. Stop thinking too much, Grace. 

Whatever Alfred told you won't change your past. You won't change the things your father did to you, so do yourself a favour and stop exhausting your mental capability. My inner voice said this while rolling her eyes and filling her nails. She was right. I was giving it too much importance. I sighed and gave a nod to Lilly before heading to my room. I took a warm shower and changed into my night suit. It took me a good thirty minutes to come down for dinner. I saw everyone already seated in their seats. Sabrina was sitting in her usual seat to the left with her mother beside her. My father is always at the head of the table. Lilly and Dad were engaged in a hushed conversation. Sabrina was the first to notice my presence. 

“Grace is here,” she announced, and now two more pairs of eyes were on me. They stopped talking and moved their heads in my direction. I didn't like to be the centre of attention. I avoided looking at my father. 

“We were eating for you,” Lilly said with a warm smile on her face. I gave her a small nod and walked to take a seat beside her. 

“Sorry to make you wait,” I said apologetically while pulling the chair beside her. 

"Oh, don't be. We all came just five minutes ago,” she said with a warm smile still on her face. 

“And I came a minute ago,” Sabrina chirped, making me smile. 

“Grace, take your seat. It's empty,” my father said in his stiff voice. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. 

“Does it matter now? Anyway, I'm just here for a few days. I will sit here,” I said, not wanting to follow his order. I was still rebellious, Grace, who left this house a decade ago. 

"Grace,” he called out my name again in his stiff voice. Lilly held my hand, making me look at her. 

“Go sit beside your father,” she cooed at me while rubbing my arm. I exhaled exasperatedly and gave her a small nod. Only for her. 

“Good girl,” she patted my back, and then I walked to take a seat beside my father on his right. I used to sit here. All the memories floated in front of my eyes as soon as I took my seat. I remember how I used to sit here and wait until midnight for my father to have dinner with me. I remembered how eagerly I used to run here in the morning and jump on my seat to have small talk with my father because he never showed up for dinner. I used to wait and wait, but my father had his eyes only set on the graph of his newspapers. He used to walk away as soon as he was done drinking his coffee without even looking at me. I just wonder how he even remembers that I used to sit here. He hardly acknowledged my presence. I blinked away my tears and lowered my eyes. I didn't want anyone to see the emotions I was going through. I don't think staying here would be as easy as I had imagined it to be. Every corner of this house had a memory related to my past. Some are good, and some are too painful to even remember again. The mere remembrance of it makes my heart cry. Soon, food was being served to us. To my surprise, all the things I liked as a child were on the table. I took only small portions from my plate. I lost my appetite as soon as I saw the food. 

“Grace, have some more. Everything is made of your choice,” Lilly said, passing me the bowl of rice. 

"No, thank you. I'm full,” I said with a small smile on my lips. 

“What already? You have barely eaten something,” she said in disbelief after looking at my plate. 

“Food is not made to your liking,” she asked in concern when I refused to take more. 

“No, it's good,” I said immediately. I know she made an effort to prepare food I like. 

“Then take some more fried rice. You used to love it when you were kids,” my father said while forwarding the bowel towards me. I took a deep breath and looked at him. He looked old, with dark circles under his eyes. He even looked weak to me. Grace, it's not time for that. 

“I'm not a kid anymore. I'm now a grown woman, and my choices and preferences have changed a lot in the past decade, but it seems like you have hardly noticed it,” I taunted, looking straight into his eyes. I expected him to clench his jaw and yell at me, but instead, he signed and nodded his head, agreeing with me. 

"Yeah, I was so immersed in my business that I failed to notice it,'' he said, looking back at me. 

“I will make sure to not repeat my past mistake,” he said, going back to eating. I was bewildered for a few seconds. I was not expecting him to say that. I had expected a harsh reply, not him accepting his mistake. I was caught off guard. I went back to eating what was left on my plate, but somehow I found myself taking the bowl of fried rice he offered me and putting some on my plate. I don't know why I did it. I had no explanation for it. 

I just don't have it. 

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