Random Oneshots

81: BATTLES

“BATTLES”

"Do you love me or not?"

"Are we going through this again, Faye?"

"Do you love me or not, Jonah?"

I looked at him with teary eyes. Ayo'kong bumitaw sa pagkakatingin. I want to see every small expression. I want to  see how genuine will his answer be.

"I always do. You know that."his expression soften as he embrace me. It's calming, and assuring at the same time.

My tears continued to flow. "I'm just scared. I know I'm ugly, I-I don't fit the social standards —"

"Who cares about social standards? Ako naman ang nagmamahal, hindi sila. And you're not ugly. Stop comparing yourself to that stupid standards. You'll always be the prettiest in my eyes."he said looking at me in the eye. Making sure I don't miss every word that he said.

I sighed. I overreacted again. "Pagod ka na siguro sa akin."and then I sit on the bench again.

Sumunod naman siya sa pag-upo saka hinawakan ang kamay ko. "Bakit mo naman nasabi?"

"Ang oa ko kaya. Tapos ang pa– ang hirap ko pang pakisamahan." I looked down and watch my feet kick stones. "Maraming babaeng matino diyan. 'Yung mas deserve mo."

"Hindi naman sila ikaw. At kahit ilang milyon pa ang babaeng nandiyan na sa tingin mo deserve ko, mas pipiliin pa rin kita. Kasi alam ko na we deserve each other."

"Bakit naman?Ayaw mo ba ng standards ko para sa'yo?"

"Your standards are blinded by the society that's why you doubt yourself and choose what the society thinks is the best for me. I am my own person. I don't let the society dictate me hence I have my own preferences. Ganon ka rin ba sa akin? Or you just look at me like how the society looks at me?"

"I love you because you're the best man in the world. And just being you not only surpassed the social standards, but also mine. You're more than perfect, Jonah. And I am always thankful to have you in my life. It's just that... it's not you."

"What do you mean, Faye?" he asked.

I looked up at him, trying to keep my composure, kahit na parang sasabog na ang dibdib ko. "Pakiramdam ko, hindi mo ako naiintindihan minsan. And I understand it because I don't understand myself too. I mean, I appreciate you. I do. But what if... what if one day you just decide that I'm too much? Kasi sa totoo lang, minsan, ako mismo, nararamdaman 'yon."

Napakunot ang noo niya. "Faye, stop doubting yourself. Hindi ako aalis. Hindi kita iiwan."

I bit my lip. Alam kong sincere siya. He always was. But there was a part of me that couldn’t believe it. Parang laging may kasunod na hindi maganda.

Lagi na lang akong may ganitong pakiramdam, na kahit ano pang salita o gawin niya, I always doubt it.

"I'm scared of losing you, Jonah," I whispered, my voice breaking. "Kasi kapag nawala ka... pa'no na ako?"

He pulled me closer, pressing his forehead against mine. His breath was comforting, and for a second, it made me forget the doubts in my head.

"Faye," he began. "hindi mo ko mawawala. I’m not going anywhere."

But deep down, there was something inside me that was pushing me to doubt it again. I wanted to believe him, but a part of me was already preparing for the worst. I was scared of hurting him, scared of being too much to handle.

But mostly, I was scared of myself.

Naupo lamang kami sa bench at nakatitig sa kawalan. My head's leaning to his shoulder, hoping to find peace inside me with him by my side. Naramdaman ko ang tibok ng puso niya and it was steady. But mine's chaotic. As if it wanted to come out of my chest.