Chaos In My Mind

Final Goodbye

I'm tired.
Not the kind of tired sleep can fix,
But the kind that eats at you from the inside,
where every breath feels borrowed,
every step, a lie.
I've been pretending for so long,
I don't even know who I am anymore.
The smiles, the jokes, they're not me.
They're the masks I wear,
because it's what you wanted to see.

But I'm done wearing those masks.
I'm done trying.
I'm done pretending I can keep going.
I can't.
The weight of it all is crushing me.
Day by day, minute by minute.
Every second sufficates me, but nobody notices.
No one sees how close I am to the edge.
Why can't anyone see?

I've given up on hoping for help.
I've screamed without sound,
begged without words.
Nobody heard me.
Maybe I hid it too well,
Maybe nobody really cares.
Nobody ever cared about me at all.
Or maybe you're too focused on your own lives,
To bother asking if I'm okay.
I wasn't, I'm not, I'll never be.

For some time I believed,
maybe somebody would care enough.
Care enough to notice my smiles are wrong, my happiness gone.
That someone would notice the cracks,
But nobody ever did.
Everyone believed the lie I showed them,
the perfect version I pretend to be,
The fake laugh, the I'm fine.
How easy it was to fool them all,
even as I broke down inside,
piece by piece.
Nobody noticed, that that wasn't me,
because nobody cares enough,
and nobody knows the real me.

I've decided it's time.
I've made peace with the fact that nothing will change.
I've waited long enough for someone to pull me back,
But no one came.
There's no fight left in me,
no strength to keep pretending.
I'm exhausted from holding on,
From pretending I'm not drowning,
when my head's already under water.

I want it to end.
I want the noise in my head to stop.
The endless pain to quiet down.
There's no escape from this prison in my mind,
Except from the one I'm choosing now.

So when you read this, don't act surprised,
Don't ask, why you didn't know.
Because I was screaming the whole time.