Friction || Luke Hemmings

Luke- 07

"Dude, you coming tonight?"

"Probably."

"What do you mean probably? You have to come."

"I'm supposed to go with Alli tonight to get prices for our journal."

"Your point? Ditch her." I huffed in annoyance, stuffing my sandwich in my mouth to avoid snapping at Calum. He's been on my ass all week about going to Ashton's party tonight, claiming that since I didn't go last week, or any other time this week, I had an obligation to go tonight. But I didn't want to. I really didn't want to.

Even though this project of ours was supposed to have us spending a lot of time together, I barely saw Alli. After that afternoon in her room, where she kind of blew up on me, we've barely spoken two words to each other. Actually, she's only texted me, asking if we could go out tonight to get the prices for our baby journal this week. She's had Savannah ever since that morning, always cradling that doll to her chest and keeping her head down. She may have yelled at me, but she wasn't acting any different. She still hid from me in the halls, avoiding any and all eye contact that could possibly be made. Psych was usually spent in silence, hiding in the back corner of the room so Mr. Rodgers couldn't see us. 

I don't know why it bugged me so much that she was refusing to talk to me, but it did. It bugged me so much. For a solid two days we went back and forth, practically constantly fighting to absolute radio silence. I'm not saying I enjoyed fighting with her, but it was better than this. At least then she was actually talking to me. Not that I ever tried to talk to her. 

Michael and Calum had taken Ashton's side, claiming they didn't trust her and that I needed to stay away from her. Only problem was our project. The lads said to just let her do all the work, its not like she would say anything anyway, but I wasn't that kind of person. People, especially her, may see me as an asshole, which I can be at times, but I'm not that asshole who makes you do all the work. School is important to me, and I'd prefer to end senior year with straight A's. 

It just bugged me that none of them would listen to me. I felt tremendous amounts of guilt any time I saw her, the image of her body covered in those pink scars flashing behind my eyes. I was responsible for that. She tried to kill herself for crying out loud. I couldn't look at her without thinking about the pain I had put her through. But no matter how guilty I felt, I never tried to fix it. 

Fix it. That seemed like such a funny concept to me. Why do I have to fix something she broke? Why does it fall on me to amend the friendship when she was the one who cut the ties? I didn't understand why she acted so hurt all the time, when she stabbed me first. I was starting to think the only reason I had never thought about harming myself was because of the coping mechanism I had adopted. 

Sex. That was my way of coping. 

It didn't matter how many girls I screwed over. As long as I could feel a connection, even if only for a few minutes, then I could forget about everything I lost. I could forget that I lost my best friend, forget that I had lost someone I thought I loved, think I still love. 

Love. Another odd concept for me. Before everything went down I was one hundred percent positive I was in love with her. She was smart, funny, caring, she wasn't a typical teenage girl. But now, I wasn't so sure. How the hell was I supposed to know what love was? I had never had a serious girlfriend, only a best friend. She was practically the only girl who had ever given me attention, so maybe thats why I had felt so attracted to her, she made me feel like I mattered. 

If it was love, was it supposed to hurt like a thousand bullets tearing through your body, entering from the front only to leave an exit wound for everyone to see? Was it supposed to be long nights when I couldn't sleep because all I could think of was the way she used to laugh me? Was it supposed to feel like someone was pulling my heart out my chest any time I saw her? Was it supposed to hurt to so much, even though I knew she never had feelings for me in the first place, friendly feelings or more? Was it supposed to feel like I had lost a part of myself when we stopped talking?