Just Pretend

Chapter 60 - Beautful Mess

"Late?" Noah questions but I know he knows exactly what I mean. "How late?" His Adam's apple bobs and he takes my hands in his own running his thumbs over them.

"It must be just over a week." I bite my lip unsure of what is his reaction will be. "I need to go to the store. I need to buy a test." I'm thinking aloud and in autopilot. Noah nods in agreement looking as every bit apprehensive as I feel.

"You know if you are it's okay... we'll be okay." Noah tells me reassuringly as I stand and slip on my shoes. "Remember I told you, to love anything that is part of you would be an honour. Even if the timings not quite right."

I don't have any words. Instead I just nod a small nod and try to not breakdown. This is not the plan. This wasn't in the plan until I was at least thirty.

We've spoken about it but not properly. The most we've brought it up is that we would like them in the future. I'm not ready to be a Mom. Not yet.

"I've gotta nip out quick." I shout through the house to no one in particular as I make my way down the stairs Noah closely behind me.

I swipe the keys off the sideboard and we charge for the car wasting no time.

"Mar are you okay?" Noah asks me his voice small as I drive down the country lane into the town. I swallow and shake my head. "Talk to me."

"Im scared." I whisper. Neither of us speak. The silence that fills the car makes me want to scream. "We weren't trying. We haven't even really spoken about it. Fuck Noah it's not the fact that I might be pregnant with your little one, that I actually love the thought of. That makes me genuinely fucking happy but I don't want this to ruin your career..." 

"Woah, Mar, baby girl this won't ruin my career. I promise you. Nothing that comes from us will ruin my career."

"We didn't plan it."

"No baby we didn't but whatever you want to do I'm doing it with you." He reassures as I park up.

We head instead straight for the aisle that sells pregnancy tests. I take a handful just to be certain and make my way for the till with Noah following right behind me, neither one of us speaking.

"Mar... Mar... Margo." Noah almost shouts my name finally getting my attention as I scan the last item. "Please talk to me." He sounds desperate.

He sounds scared.

A lump forms in the throat as I try to find the right words to say. I pay for the stuff and take Noah's hand in my own heading for the exit of the shop refusing to break down in my old local super market.

I feel the tears threatening to fall as I sit in the driver seat and let go of a breath I didn't know I was holding onto. I grab for Noah's hand again running my thumb over his tattooed fingers.

"I'm so fucking scared. I don't want to lose you Noah." My vision becomes blurred and I hate myself for feeling this insecurity.

"Oh baby." He pulls me into him and I crash against his chest, the force takes me by surprise but the way he holds me so tightly to him as if I'm the most fragile thing in the world giving me the relief I selfishly needed to feel. "You're not going to fucking lose me Mar... there's nothing you could do that will make me go. I've got you." He whispers stroking my hair as I let out the sob I've been trying to control.

I wrap my arms around him clinging to his hoodie not wanting to let go.

"We're always gonna be more than okay." He whispers into my hair and I finally pull myself together looking up to him.