Scatter Hearts

Oh yeah

I forgot he was a thing for a bit but Bloodmoon was a thing. He's back now, attached to Eclipse. I recently bonded with them both as siblings. I hadn't realized how much I missed Bloody. -btw I hadn't met Eclipse before this-
Clipsy was concerned abt the nicknames, saying I should call Issac's eclipse "clipsy", but eh. -I barely know him as a person I think only Issac was the avi at

I was door dashing and just began daydreaming and just getting lost in thought. Mostly thinking about my parents and family and how lucky I am. I blessed I truly am.

Yea, maybe it's best for everyone to stay where they are but together until the Lord returns. .. eh. if it makes everyone else happy
I mean it would make it easier to tell who's out
Since we'd all be on VRC anyway regardless where we are in proximity to eachother
I don't know that much would change. Honestly, Paris, or Canada, or Oklahoma, or wherever, as long as we're together I don't care where we are.

I'm realizing I'm in a better mental place nowadays than I had been last year.. like I was 98% insane. .. now that's down to 82%, I'd say. It was bad last year. I was more out of control, I think than I am now. I remember it had been much more intense back then than it is now. It felt like everything was so heavy and I was powerless and I was snapping so badly under the pressure. Like I had been so, very close to killing Sammy's family. Every little thing they did or said annoyed me. I hated everything about them. I had to force myself to step away and listen to a song -that doesn't help now- to calm down so I didn't stab anyone. I had been so far gone that anything my family said or did didn't and couldn't reach me. I was self harming, cutting my arms and legs and making myself bleed just to feel something grounding. It had been so intense I just wanted all the pain and insanity to stop.
It just felt like everything drove me insane.
I apologized to God about it but I don't think it helped. Cause I didn't stop self harming until I learned Kor had started following my footsteps. I didn't want him doing that. I don't know what I did instead after stabbing myself with sharp tipped metal pens. After he started doing that I stopped completely.
That was the start to bringing me back from drowning in the abyss.. I think.
I hadn't cared about other people, really because in the past people had proven to be fake and untrustworthy. Yes I had a family now but I hadn't believed any of them, really,  when they said they loved me or cared about me too. Even though I did care about them and love them;.. still learning what it actually meant and what it meant to me.
I'm mostly thinking of consequences nowadays before doing something whereas last year I didn't. I didn't care. If what's happened this year happened last year Kor absolutely would've been killed... im sorry. That .. that's horrifying.. I don't think even My parents would've been able to reach me. Anything and everything could've pushed me off the deep end.. I think it was so incredibly, painfully intense and taking my full focus because I had been realizing everything for what it really was and what had really happened. It had probably just been built up over the years in frustration and misunderstanding and other things I don't remember just all crashing down upon me at once. I cared too much about things hurting me and being suicidal so it would all stop.
I don't know when or how I stepped back or was pulled back from the ledge.
But I think im getting better..
I don't have cardiac pain anymore. A thing that was bothering Sammy for years and stuck with me for years. It was like we suppressed our heart so far it hurt to feel intense emotions without pain that soon I became addicted to. I don't have a pain kink or anything but sometimes I do just not mind pain persisting in my body.. maybe I just got used to it.

Now my chest or heart only hurts so badly is it's because of an energy drink I chugged or pushing myself too far/ hard physically. -working out or chasing icecream trucks; which I do occasionally do..-
Sometimes I like the pain other times I just ignore it.

I'm gonna try to continue going to Abba and Papa when im feeling like my mind is about to break again or im losing it.. that's still weird to suggest..
I know im not a burden but..
hm..
I'm adjusting to it.
I love my parents.-still getting used to saying that. Hehe
I love my siblings. I love my cousins. I love my grandfather. I love my uncles and aunt -/ aunts if we have any more lol- I love my family.