Scatter Hearts

November updates

I think exos just being weird. Maybe he's just discovering his own personality now he knows hes more than a temporary extension of Zany.

Ok might be nothing but at like 3 yesterday exo wanted to hang out and when I responded at like 3:50 something he suddenly had to go do something and would be gone for a while (still gone btw when writing this the next morning.)

Aside from daydreaming about Issac, I've been thinking about the last time i actually saw my parents.. back in July.
... they sang to me. Rises the moon.
.. I think they knew what was gonna happen..
they knew- and couldn't do or say anything..

I just feel so alone as of late.. I can't help but feel like this is all my fault.
exo says zany blames himself; saying had we never met this wouldn't have happened but I disagree on both accounts. Will and Bill would've still taken over .. it's just no one would've seen it. and we prob wouldn't be family and Zane would still be fully insane. Issac and everyone would still be suffering and none of them in that body would have any hope of escaping their abusers. I would've killed the Poiriers and be in jail or dead, and never know about alters or that I was one. My sister would prob be dead and none of us would've found peace and those that were brought to the lord because we met wouldn't have made such progress so soon if at all..
so while I agree everything looks bleak and I myself don't feel so confident in the unknown future, it's not anyone's fault and for that I realize I am a hypocrite.

I wrote down said daydream btw on wattpad on drafts I.. definitely plan to show Issac... at some point. I actually wrote down two.

Is it me or does it feel like Exo and them are avoiding me? ..
I mean I suck at games but I still like hanging out..

Ok I legit just got up and spent like an hour or so figuring out how to literally make the SworGunn from TNGT be a real weapon, with regenerative bullets from paper being compressed and everything and for once I actually feel like Ladybug figuring out a puzzle from nothing or Rick Sanchez making sciencey things outta seemingly everything and nothing and random things- which is something I've always wanted to do and know how to do..
I.. actually feel smart for once..
-I mean I suggested a regenerative water bowl to Chris and Heidi who turned it down, but tbh it's just a water refiller not regenerator.

Heheh. Maybe there's sense to my nonsense chaos after all.
Oh yea I couldn't understand what someone said earlier on YouTube in a comment-it was utter nonsense but I was right in thinking id just woke up and later I saw it again and I understood said chaos. God really did hear me..