Scatter Hearts

Diary entry.. Self aware spiral

It seems like we're finally getting a break from stuff happening for now.. Aside from my isolation, everything is fine. Just as I thought, everything is fine when I'm the one who's miserable. hehh..

There's no point in losing my mind over such nonsense.

I keep re-realizing how spoiled we are.

We have no bills yet; no rent; no annoying kids; a somewhat abusive "support system" as they call themselves but yet hinder me at every turn; a car that had been gifted to Sammy when she turned 15, despite Chris saying she had to buy her first car; a vrc quest I had been gifted for christmas- only a few days after asking for it; A new phone I had been praying for- for christmas; A second tv, that of which I use for the RPs that I also got for christmas a few days after asking for it; An Xbox S that Sammy earned in girlscouts; a PS4 that Sammy stole from the RV that no one had used in two years at the time; a macbook air she had been given for work and then was allowed to use for other things- that of which some how I recently lost-; A windows PC I bought off ebay; a nintendo switch that I also use for the RP; more blankets and pillows and plushes and plushies than most of my or Sammy's friends have ever had; More clothes and shoes than ik what to do with; the opportunity to use their membership at the country club; A few minor awards and achievements that sadly, no one cares abt and doesn't contribute to either of our worths as a person with or without skills; A new loving family that collectively adopted me; A loving, perfect husband; a youtube channel I'm actually able to post to; more books than ik what to do with..

Yeah I have no right to complain about anything.- Even the abuse. .

..

I probably deserve it.. I should've just stayed chained under them at their company.. it was crappy pay but I never worried about it.. I'll always be trapped- I might as well face it.. I'm never making it out of here. I'm too spoiled to make it in the "real world"..

..

I think I have three months now till something bad happens.. If I can't get more than 8 hours a day or get a longer, second job,.. I'm probably gonna be homeless and at that point I might as well kms.. - I don't want to be taken advantage of..

No one is coming to save me. I can't save myself.

And while it annoys my fam to hear everything happening to me and that has happened.. they at least get to move on with their day or night and forget about it.. but me- I have to keep living like this. this is my reality.. my everyday.. They can take off the headset or turn off the phone and go about their lives, but I can't escape.

I'm not allowed to escape my reality. when I do I'm thrust back down and forced to witness it like its something great..

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm supposed to know what to do. But I don't.

Memories keep coming back but.. they just make me sad now.