Riptide (a lauren jauregui love story)

Part 18

Lauren's pov
It's been about a month since I broke up with Camila. The tour has been going great but I haven't really been talking to anyone. I put on my facade on stage but off stage it's the silent treatment to everyone except technicians and our tour manager Skylar. Even Big Rob has been getting worried. I've just been off by being my introverted self. Dinah understood, somewhat but still tries to get me out of my shell. She's been awesome treating me normally only thing Is I just don't answer back. Camila and Shawn started dating so that's wonderful note the sarcasm. Ally and Mani try to talk to me but nothing. I've been straight up avoiding Jackson. I haven't looked at him, talked to him, done anything with him. Camila has just been avoiding me just straight up avoiding me. Like I should be doing to her. I don't care though because I like my relationship with my computer it's healthy and safe unlike real friendships and relationships which are like glass their beautiful but you hate to touch them because you don't want to break them. I go on tumblr and am sure to not look at anything triggering. I don't want to have a meltdown now do I. That would fuck up everything. Tonight we were staying in a hotel so I was laying in my bed. I was scrolling through tumblr and somehow landed on a picture of a girl with completely scarred arms. I started to shift my arms around uncomfortably.
"Lauren what are you doing?" Dinah asks noticing the odd movement of my hands. I shake my head. She sighs. She's been trying to get me to talk all day. I don't know why but she's been trying extra hard today especially. There's a knock at the door. She opens it and in walks Jackson, Mani, Ally, Camila and Shawn. Wonderful company. I roll my eyes and go back to tumblr scrolling.
"Hey Lauren!" Camila says and I don't look up at all. Ally and Mani sit on the top part of my bed. Jackson sits right next to me.
"Lauren why are you avoiding me?"
I shake my head.
"Yes you are!"
I shake my head again.
"Oh cut the silent treatment crap! Get over it!" Camila yells.
I ignore her and continue on tumblr. My phone dings and it's Pia.
Pia😘: My love it's my understanding that you're ignoring everyone?"
Lauren my queen👑: yeah
Pia😘: why?
Lauren my queen👑: Because Camila and Shawn are dating
Pia😘: and? I thought you were gonna show her she didn't mean anything to you
Lauren my queen👑: it's just hard knowing that I wasn't enough for her
Pia😘: she was selfish and wanted everything but don't punish Jackson and DJ and Ally and Mani because she's a selfish bitch
Lauren my queen👑: ok Pia I'll talk maybe!
Pia😘: good if it helps just like make sure she knows she means nothing to you
Lauren my queen👑: that's smart I got it!
Pia😘: I'll talk to you later!
Lauren my queen👑: kisses luv u!
"Lauren please talk to me to the rest of us!" Jackson begs. I shake my head.
"You give me no choice! Lauren biggest secret is that she's in love with..." I cover his mouth.
"Stop that sentence right there or else I'll slit you're fucking throat!" I whisper in his ear. He chuckles but lays me across his lap. I groan at his annoying persistence.
"Lauren I need you to talk to us!" He says and I shake my head again.
"Lauren everyone in this room cares about you and we think that you're spiraling down a bad path. So what Camila broke your heart don't ignore the rest of the world."
"Nah uh this isn't about her at all. I don't give a shit if we broke up!"
"I knew that'd get you to talk!"
"Ok you got me. If I'm being honest the reason is because i have a lot of emotions inside of me and I'm afraid if I talk they'll all come out but now you know I realize it's not a big deal!"
"So emotions about Camila?"
"Once again no! Don't give a fuck about her! The emotions are about you and about DJ and and Mani and Ally and I guess kind of Camila but not in that way!"
"What do you mean?"
"I think it's time that I'm completely honest with you guys!"
"What are you talking about?" Mani asks.
"Ok only Jackson and Pia know this but I...let me start from the beginning..."
Flashback
It was say 2007 at like 4 in the morning. My dad was angry and drunk. Something had gone terribly wrong at work and money was low. My sister Taylor was sound asleep in her room as was Chris. My mom had put me to bed 2 hours ago but I couldn't sleep with my dad making all that noise. I tossed and turned but just couldn't fall asleep. I thought maybe peeing would help me fall asleep so I went to the bathroom. When I opened the door a cool breeze hit my face as did the rancid smell of Alcohol and that nights dinner. I walked towards the bathroom and used it when I came out my dad was in front of me.
"Sorry papa I had to pee I'll go to bed now!"
"No no no! You broke the rules time to take your punishment!" He grabbed my arm with his tight grip and pulled me down the stairs into the office which was the very edge of the house. He locked the door and walked towards me. I was shaking in my slippers. He slapped me and the look of release on his face it almost like it made him happy. He began to punch me and kick me. I couldn't move. After a long time of hitting and screaming he pushed me out of the office and into my room. I cried myself to sleep.
That's how life went everyday for 2 years. I had to cover the bruises or he'd beat me even more so I wore sweaters and leggings and the stuff I always wear. When he got the promotion he only beat me twice a week which wasn't as bad. Still hurt but not that bad. Then one day I met this guy his name was Luis. He made me feel so special and good inside. He made me forget about the troubles I had at home. He was my savior. I fell in love. Hard. One day something snapped in his mind and he started calling me fat, ugly, slut on a regular basis. He said my scars from the beatings were and I quote "make you look like a punching bag you ugly fuck!" He never laid a finger on me he couldn't if he wanted to. One night I didn't want to have sex but he forced me he raped me. The worse came when he cheated on me and he broke up with me. That was the third time I had been cheated on and it hurt because it was like what he said was coming back to haunt me. I was too ugly and fat for him or anyone to stay faithful. That was the night I started to cut. The first cut felt good it took the pain away. It was amazing. I started doing it everyday until it became a habit.