Riptide (a lauren jauregui love story)

Part 52

Lauren's pov
We walked into the studio and went right to work. Jackso said he only trusted me to do this so its just us. He took his poem and started humming melodies. He played some stuff on the piano.
"So is poem intense or is it emotional in a more gentle way?"
"Uhm both."
"Ok..." I laugh. "Start with some major chords." He plays some various major and minor chords until he decides on some he likes.
"Okay now I think to add to the intensity part use drum beats."
We spend hours and I mean hours perfecting the beats and combinations. And mostly fooling around. He sat me on his lap as we worked so you know that it took forever because we kept goofing off.
"Babe stop, focus." I scold while laughing.
"Give me a kiss."
I lean over and give him a few quick pecks but then he places his hand on the back of my neck and pulls me into a Long kiss. Before I knew it our lips were moving together and our tongues caressing each other. Our little kiss turned into a hot makeout session with hair pulling and lip biting.
"Babe we have to focus."
"Let's kiss some more."
"Nope let's focus."
We messed around with the beats some more before he decided to go in and record so I could hear it for the first time.
"Who is it about?"
"This kid I knew. I was kind of his only friend until well you'll get it."
"Ok I'll cue you." He nods and I start the music then I cue him in.
"Yeah, look
Let me tell you about a kid named Steven
He's slowly running out of things to believe in
Every couple of months his mom leaves him,
for no good reason his step-dad beats him
Not too many friends, only ever had a few of them,
but recently they don't want anything to do with him
Always eating lunch in the bathroom stall,
he just wants to feel normal and be cool again, yeah
Always feeling like the outcast, he's been going crazy ever since his dad passed
He needs guidance and advice but instead
he only has breakdowns and flashbacks of the car crash uh
It's been getting harder everyday, if he was still around everything would be OK
'Cause his dad was always the light at the end of the tunnel,
but now that same damn tunnel is looking dark and grey
He keeps quiet in the back of the class
and when the bell rings Steven hurries home fast
scared to death the other kids will kick his ass on the long walk home
'Cause its happened in the past so
He's getting used to the black eyes and fat lips
but all he's got is a fake smile and cut wrists
Wishin' he could walk right up to them and show them the scars
and say look you're the reason that I've done this
Maybe they would finally understand and go back to how it was before it all began
But he's just a little different so they taunt him and they beat him
Yeah it's all just fun and games, they don't give a damn, yeah
His older brother ain't around, in and out of jail, hanging with the wrong crowd
He's been doing coke, smoking weed, getting drunk all his life he's a shame
no, he's not too proud
Now his habits are rubbing off on his little bro yeah, but guess what?
Little did he know that every time he did a line,
every time he lit a joint,
every time he took a shot he would set the mode,
So Steven's sitting in his room getting high now
Doors locked, music up, with his lights out
He just takes another toke til his room fills with smoke
5-6-7 hours til he knocks out
Now he started stealing pills from his mom
8-9-10 at a time and now they're gone
and maybe for a moment all his problems seem to fade,
but the high fades too after not too long
and that's when it really sinks in and that's when it hits him
that these god damn drugs won't fix him
Curled up on the floor, can't take it anymore
Now he's talking to God 'cause he's the only one that gets him
On his knees, looking up, can't stop crying
"God I know we haven't talked in a long time
but this time I really need you. Please God help me, say something
just give me a sign, because now I'm falling apart and
I don't think that I can do it. Please God, give me the strength
to pull through it. Tell me, Should I give up? I could end it all right now.
I just don't know if I'm brave enough to do it.
'Cause there's gotta be a better way than suicide.
Try to wait it out, give it time, you'll be fine.
But it's been so long and I still haven't been able to get rid
of all the thoughts that I feel inside. So sick, so angry, so mad
and to top it off no one even knows that"
That's when he stood up, wiped his tears, walked over to his desk
and got a pen and a notepad
He just couldn't see it getting any better
So on a cold dark night in December, Steven knew exactly what he had to do
But first he sat down and wrote a couple letters
One to his step-dad, one to his mother,
couple to the kids at school, one to his brother
Bringing them the pain that they once brought him
tear drops on the paper one after another
Yeah, I hope that you all feel guilty.
'Cause I'm broken now and you can't heal me
And now you're all an accomplice in murder
each and every one of you has chipped in to kill me
So the reason that I'm writing you this evening,
is to say goodbye and to tell you that I'm leaving
But don't hold your breath 'cause I ain't never coming back
Sincerely yours, Steven"

I stopped the recording and I was in shock. He walked out and stood in front of me.
"Babe that was amazing."
"Ah thanks baby."
"No genuinely that was like amazing. You wrote that about your friend?"
"Yeah."
"So what actually happened?"
"Uhm he was uh found in house with a rope around his neck hanging from his staircase in his suit he was supposed to wear to my sweet sixteen."
"Aw baby come here."
I held him in my arms and he tried not to cry. He doesn't like crying especially not in front of me.
"I had seen him the day before. He was fine. I can't help but think it was my fault that I cause it or didn't realize he was at his breaking point."
"It's not your fault when people are depressed they hide it and they often seem like they are getting better but really are breaking inside and can't control the downward spiral in their brain and their emotions. It's not your fault there is almost no way you could've known."
"I tried to help Lauren! I did what I could, I was his best friend, I tried to be a light but everything was just too much! I failed!"
"You didn't. You brought him joy while he was still here. That's what matters."
"It's like the closer I get to someone the more it makes them want to kill themselves."
"No that's not true. You're close with all of the girls and they don't want to kill themselves and never have."
"Lauren?"
"Yes baby."
"Promise me that If you ever feel this way again. I don't care what status we are, promise to tell me. I can't lose you! I won't lose you.! Especially not to this demon that always seems to in someway sneak into my life. Ok? You talk to me. I can make it better. Ok?"
"Ok baby I promise."
"No Lauren look me in the eye and promise me. Even if we are broken up in the worst possible way and living in two different countries. You tell me if you ever have the urge to commit suicide again."
"I promise Jackson! I won't let my self go back down that road."
"Good."
"Now we have like 2 hours left you wanna try the second track?"
"Yes." He walks in and I play the track for him to sing over.
"You spend your life in a dream that you can't escape
Cause you live your life in a coma, you're never awake
If you'd open your eyes then maybe you'd see what's at stake
You're sleeping, you're sleeping

You make a lot of money and you live in a mansion
And pretty much got everything that you could ever imagine
But you feel like even though you got everything in the world
You got nothing
So what you do then is you start going backwards
You runnin' in a direction
And you lookin' for something that isn't real
And all you know is that you just gotta have it
What you're doin' is sleepin'
And thinking that you're awake and you're not
And the problem is that you don't know what you're after
So you put everything that you have into what you do
Hoping that one day maybe you don't have to feel like you're empty
But as you get older a lot of weight on your shoulders is getting heavy
Then you look back and you start to regret things
You only get one life
And every time you lookin' at yours
You feel like everything you have is a waste!
And the problem and the reason you could never fill a hole in your life
Is because you were never awake

You spend your life in a dream that you can't escape
Cause you live your life in a coma, you're never awake
Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up!
Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up!

You wake up in the morning
But you feel like you never got up and go to work
And you feelin' like you ain't got a purpose
And you tryna get motivated but everything you do turns into a mess
Like you ain't nothing but worthless
And, yo, you look around
A lot of these other people you lookin' at
To you, you describe as perfect
So you point a finger at God and tell him to do his job
And fix ya' life up cause nothin' is workin'!
And you will try to hide and make it seem like it's nothin'
But really you feel like everything is crashin' around you
And you develop a problem in trustin' in other people
Which later became an issue that will mentally pound you!
You only get one life
But every time you lookin' at yours you feel like you ever see are mistakes
And the problem and the reason you could never move forward in life
Is because you were never awake
Wake up.

You spend your life in a dream that you can't escape
Cause you live your life in a coma, you're never awake
Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up!
Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up!"
"That one was good and emotional too."
"Now I have to choose."
"Yeah you do so what'll it be. The intense rapping with singing or the full on rap about an old friend. That'll probably be controversial."
"I don't know you should choose."
"No sweetie this is your music, your choice darling."
"Uhm ok I think that we should release Steven and I'll give wake up to my friend he's a rapper but he was looking for one more song for his album."
"Okay that's a plan I'll give this to your manager."