This is How I Disappear

I didn't mean it..

I stayed there.

I couldn’t possibly go back there.

Not after what I saw and how I was feeling.

I stayed there and brought my knees to my chest and couldn’t help but keep crying.

I sat behind the stage until I heard the stage crew setting up.

“Hey Bells what are you doing here.?”

“Crying. Singing. But mostly crying.”

“Why?”

“I don’t want to talk about.”

“Oh okay. You want me to get one of the guys?”

“Yeah….get my big brother.”

Everyone knew who that meant because Mikey always called me his little sister.

And I called him my big brother.

When I called for my brother I referred to either Frankie or Ray.

It was my tattoo brother or my fro brother, specially I called them.

But everyone knew that big brother meant Mikey.

“Okay stay here and I will be right back.”

“’Kay”

And soon enough he came running towards me.

“Bella whats wrong?”

And I began to cry again. I couldn’t say anything I just kept crying.

“Bells please tell me whats wrong?!”

I just went and grabbed for him and he picked me up and carried me off.

He was holding me and I was still crying and we headed towards the bus.

When we entered the bus no one was there and he went all the way to the back of the bus and sat on the couch and brought me close to him.

“Please don’t cry lil’ sis. I don’t like it when you do.”

“I’m s-so-sorry.”

“Whats wrong sweetie?”

“He broke it….and I am worthless.”

“Who broke what sweetie and you are not worthless you are everything to me and the guys.”

“Bob broke up with me….and then…”

“That’s why you are like this because Bob ended it?”

“N-no not because of that. I feel horrible because of Bob and what I did to him…lead him on but…Gerard…”

“What did he do?”

He raised his voice a bit.

“Bob caught me and Gerard hanging out and having fun…and he saw what I was trying so hard to hide….that I loved Gerard and not him.”

“oh sweetie.”

“and he started to talk about how he never realized it before and how he was blind to it. And that he wanted my happiness, even id he had to give up his own. And he broke up with me.

I came back to the bus after Bob broke up with me because I just felt terrible for breaking his heart. And I came back to have you cheer me up or frank or ray but no one was here. Well…I though no one was here….”

The tears started to come back.

“What happened?”

“I heard voices coming from the bunk s and I went to find out that they were coming from mine…. And…”

“And who was there?”

“Gee….and her…..half naked….on my bunk…..they were gonna…”

“That son of a bitch!”

“And I just walked out and headed for the stage and started to cry because she was right.”

“Who is right?”

“That woman from my nightmares….I am worthless pathetic and unwanted….and I meant nothing to Gerard…I am nothing.”

“Hey look at me…you are not worthless. You understand me?”

“Yeah I am..”

“No you are not and if Gerard doesn’t know what was in front of him, then its his loss. Okay? My brother can be so dense sometimes.”

I started to cry again.

“He broke it Mikey. He broke my heart.”

“Shh…I know sweetie. I know.”

He held me as I cried into his t-shirt

A voice boomed into the bus…a voice I wanted to forget.

“BELLA!!! ARE YOU HERE?! BELLS PLEASE LET ME EXPLAIN!!!”

He walked all the way to where me and Mikey were and I cried harder.

“Please Bells..let me-“

“Get away from her!”

“Mikey let me talk-“

“No! I will not let you talk to her! You I can’t believe you Gerard!”

“Mikes get out of my way!”

“No! You know Bob saw that she loved you. And he broke up with her to let her be with you and you pull this shit! Half naked with Alexis in HER bunk and you expect her just to look the other way and forgive you!”

“He broke with you Bells? Is that true?”

“Yes it is”

Mikey answered for me I couldn’t talk.

“I was talking to her.”

“Well you aren’t anymore. Stay away from her. Bob wanted her to be happy and look at what you do. You break her heart instead, just get out Gerard and go fuck that stupid bimbo of a girlfriend. And leave Isabella be.”

“Bells please just look at me….please…please!”

“Go away!”

I couldn’t talk to him let alone look at him.

I layed on the couch and cried and watched Mikey kick Gerard out of the bus.

All I heard was that woman’s voice in my head.

Saying all those things over and over again.

She just kept saying

‘worthless, pathetic, stupid, ugly.’

Its like she was a broken record in my head.

And then

“shut up already! Fucking shit pick this house up! Me and your dad are bringing some friends over and having a party so pick up this shit and cook the food!!”

“No!”

“What did you say to me?”

“I said no! you do it!!”

She went off and came back and a belt…

“nnnn-no!! I didn’t mean it!”

She started hitting me with it until I had bleeding welts on my arms and back.

I screamed stop but she never did.

“Now shut up and cleaning this shit up!”

“Yes ma’am….”

I felt it coming…I was getting cold….I was losing conscious…..

“MIKEY!!!!”

I blacked out.