This is How I Disappear

For saying all the right things...

Sex was never a thing I really thought about. I mean well I have but not seriously. I had urges but never really acted upon them. Gerard never really made it seem that sex was on his mind also until recently. And I well I am not sure I am fully ready for it. I mean sure I act like I am but something is holding me back. I guess uncertainty that if we do, what will happen between us? Will he leave me because that's all he wanted from me, will our relationship just evolve to just sex? Or will it bring us more together than we already are? I am not sure, but until I know Gerard wants to make love and not just fuck then I will give everything that I have left to give to him. I want to know he really and truly loves me and doesn't just want my body.

We enjoyed out swim we just decided to lay beside it and to dry off.

"Gee?"

"Yeah babe?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"you can ask me anything Bells you know that. What is it?"

"Well I was just wondering if you could answer something for me. Try to calm my uneasiness in a way."

"Uneasiness about what?"

"About the...umm....sex thing."

"Oh. Ask baby."

"Well I am ready but something is stopping me from giving myself to you."

"What is it?"

"well I need to be sure that well that you really and truly love me and don't just want to use me for sex."

"Is that all? HaHaHaHaHa."

A bit of my heart sank. He did just want to use me for sex."

I stood up and stared to walk away.

"Hey Bells Wait!"

He came up to me pulled me to him.

"You do just want to use me for sex."

"No you silly wonderful, beautiful girl. I was just laughing at the absurdity of your question."

"How is my question absurd?"

"What do I tell you at least five to six times a day?"

"I don't know."

"I tell you I love you. I wouldn't say it if it wasn't true. Isabella Black I love you with all my heart. I would never and I mean never just use you for sex. I would never to unfaithful to you, I would never leave you. I love you I am not lying baby."

I looked into those hazel eyes and I knew, I just knew wasn't lying.

"you really do mean it don't you?"

"Of course I do. What would make you think I am a horrible guy and do that to you?"

"I don't know I am just a bit guarded because of everything that has happened so far. And the way you use to just steal kisses and never really talk to me when I was with Bob."

"It was because you were with Bob. I thought I could never have you. I thought that was all I was ever going to get. Stolen kisses and admiration from far away but now. Now I know that you can really be with me and that you love me just as I love you. We don't have to hide or sneak around. I can hold you and I can kiss you and I know no one is going to take you away from me. I can have you forever. What you have to understand Bells is that I don't want to fuck. I want to make love."

Oh gosh this man is perfect. Its like he is reading my mind. Its like he was just made for me.

I got on my tip toes and kissed him with all the passion in my heart.

I reacted a couple seconds later and pulled me back.

"What was that for?"

"For saying all the right things."

He smiled and went back to kissing me.

And then he lifted me up and spun me around.

"Gerard! Put me down!"

"HaHaHa no way this is too much fun!"

"Gee!"

"Alright alright!"

He put me down and held me hand.

"Shall we go back to our room? I have a surprise for tonight."

"Oh really?"

"Yes really now we have to go shower, and get ready. I had to plan this ahead and we are not going to miss it."

"Okay what am I going to wear?"

"I will have it out for you when you get out of the shower okay?"

"Alright. I love you."

"I love you too Bells."

"So where are you taking me?"

"Oh no I am not going to tell you it will ruin everything."

"Oh come on Gee! Please tell me!"

"No sugar you are going to have to wait for later now come on."

"Fine."

"Don't pout baby trust me you are going to love it."

"I better!"