This is How I Disappear

you're gonna regret the deeper you get, the stronger I'll be..

everything was great.

but I knew something was coming.

I didn't know what it was. but I just knew in my bones it was bad.

it was horrible.

but I am getting way a head and not telling you what happened that lead me to make the choices that I made.

but I wasn't safe.

He wasn't safe and I did it to protect him and the others.

I had to.

me and gee shared the last days of the break together.

every single moment.

it was beautiful.

wonderful.

and as we said magical

we left the hotel smiling and we got on the bus.

we couldn't stay apart for long.

we were always together.

It brought us even closer.

like two magnets.

the guys were happy because we were always happy it was infectcious.

but something was bugging me. well a person to be fact.

when the guys were doing fan stuff or sound checks I stayed behind sometimes others they would let me sing a song or two as they watched me or try to jump in but couldn't and other times I stayed behind. I did some writing in my journal and worked on some songs. making them just right.

one day i remember so clearly.

it was weeks after houston.

I sat in the back strumming the tune to my song that I sang the morning after trying to get the melody just right.

"So is that why you are here?"

"What?"

"Is that why you are here to try to get a record deal?"

"What the fuck are you on brian?"

"You are using the guys to get yourself ahead in this business aren't you?"

"What?! No! what kind of person do you think I am?"

" A liar, thats what I think you are. I mean its so convienent that you don't remember anything, and we happen to find and decided to bring you with us. and then we find out you can sing and play. I think you are full of shit Isabella."

"You better back off Brian."

"Or what you will go crying to Gerard?"

"Oh no."

"So what will you do? cry and scream?"

he pinned me up against the corner of the lounge and was centimeters from my face

"You have no idea who I really am or capable of doing, so I really do suggest you back off."

"Oooo I am shaking."

"you better me."

he raised his hand and was about to slap me when I saw it coming and pinned him against the wall and got his arms behind his back and thats when the guys stepped in.

"Bells what the hell is going on?"

I let him go and walked towards Gee

"I suggest you tell him to tell his hands off me and try to never try to hit me again or he will not live to regret it."

I walked out of the bus and went for some fresh air.

I can't believe he tried to hit me. that son of a bitch.

I am not afraid of anyone

not anymore.

I went for a tree for some shade and sat down.

and tried to cool down.

I ended singing to sucessfully calm down.

"You think you've got the best of me

You think you've got the best of me

You think there's nothing left of me

Check this you'll never get to me

You're getting mighty upset,

you're gonna regret,

the deeper you get,

the stronger I'll be."

"hey."

"Oh hey Mikes."

"Nice lyrics."

"Thanks, I needed something to calm me down."

"Yeah what happened back there?"

"Brian was about to hit me, after he called me a bullshitter, saying that I am using you guys to get a deal and famous or some shit like that. asshole."

"What?!"

"Yeah, I just snapped when he raised his hand and pinned him before he could even hit me"

"You have great reflexes."

"Years of practice..."

"What was that?"

"You heard me."

"You mean..?"

"Yeah Mikes all those nightmares....they were my life before here, my mom and her new husband. they had a thing for hitting me mostly, rarely laid a hand on my brother they hoped to get some cash from what our dad left us but we didn't get any. so when they discovered that they just went for it, and let me have it."

"Oh gosh, does Gee know?"

"No and don't you dare tell him."

"Why not?"

"He isn't ready for something like this not yet. I just want him to do something dumb. He will blame himself when it wasn't his fault he didn't even know me."

"Are you saying you remember everything?"

"Yes, every single detail of my sad little life before here. before all of this. promise not to tell Mikey please I know I can trust you."

"But..."

"Promise."

"Okay I promise."

"Thanks...you are great Michael Way."

"You aren't too bad Bella Black."

we smiled and just sat there for the rest of the after noon enjoying the outside and the sunset.

but what I didn't know was that this conversation....wasn't private.